


Valentine Girl

by loonagarbage



Series: The Loona Lesbiverse [5]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:43:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonagarbage/pseuds/loonagarbage
Summary: Heejin's affection for Hyunjin had been a secret for what felt like forever. Positive that it's unrequited, she does her best to be content with a simple friendship. When Valentine's Day rolls around and Heejin's feelings for Hyunjin are only intensifying, a friend recommends perhaps taking on the role of a secret admirer for the sake of catharsis. Things don't exactly go as planned.





	Valentine Girl

**Author's Note:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

_**** _

_**Heejin's POV** _

“Time!” I called out, ending the timer on my stopwatch _just_ as her feet passed the lap line. She skidded to a stop on her heels, catching her breath.

__

She quickly walked to me, still panting and wiping some small beads of sweat from her brow. “Any better?” She asked, breathlessly, “C’mon, lay it on me.”

__

I did my best to stifle the smirk threatening to creep onto my face, shrugging indifferently and pursing my lips, “I mean...” Hyunjin groaned in frustration at the fake disappointment I forced into my tone, rested her hands on her knees, and hunched over. We’d been at this all day; she was wiped. I knew she’d probably punch me for holding her in suspense like this, but it was so easy, “Sorry, but your time was 4:10.”

__

Her eyes flitted back to me, her brow furrowing in confusion. I couldn’t keep it back anymore, my smile finally breaking through my weak resistance.

__

“Huh? 4:10?”

__

I nodded smugly. “Yep. Four minutes, ten seconds. A damn near failure, really, you should probably just throw in the towel and give up on this, I mean-- _oof_ \--” Before I could continue my sarcastic spiel, she’d wrapped her strong arms around my waist and lifted me up off my feet. She nearly squeezed the air out of my lungs, spinning me in a circle, and I couldn’t help but laugh from how happy she was. She deserved to be happy, she’d worked so hard.

__

“That’s _ten seconds less_ than yesterday!! Wait--” She set me down, snatching my stopwatch from my hand and looking at it herself. “--You’re _sure_ you didn’t mess this up? Time me wrong?” She asked in disbelief, which was surprising since she tended to be too cocky for her own good. That was just an act, though. I was there for the bravado and playful competitiveness and banter, but I was also there for the struggling and the shortcomings and the self-doubt. I was much happier to see the former, but the latter helped make Hyunjin seem more grounded. More like a real person with real insecurities, and that was the real Hyunjin _I_ knew that few other people ever got to see.

__

I shook my head, more than ready to validate her. My smile had yet to fade from my face, and now I was just waiting for one to show up on hers. I loved her smile. “Nope. I’m offended you’d think I’d time you wrong, don’t you think I’ve got it down by now?” I nudged her shoulder, her jaw dropped as she stared down at the time displayed on that watch. “You did it. That’s not fake, you really did it!”

__

Finally, she seemed to believe me, a beautiful but somehow humble smile breaking through that made her whole face light up. She was so pretty. My heart fluttered in that way I’d gotten so used to, and, like always, I ignored it. Pretended it wasn’t there. Pretended like I didn’t know what it meant, like it was nothing, like it didn’t matter and like it didn’t show up every time I heard her laugh, every time she held my hand, every time she looked at me for a bit too long or complimented my outfit. The pretending had become so natural and intrinsic that sometimes I genuinely believed it myself.

__

She reached up, poking my forehead. “It’s cuz of you! I swear. You’re my good luck charm, little miss Heejin!” Her hand trailed down and rested gently on my cheek. God, I hoped she didn’t feel how warm I got. She withdrew, and I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d held in. She picked up her water bottle, taking a long swig, and I watched, effortlessly enthralled. My heart was beating twice the speed.

__

I giggled nervously, consciously fighting back a blush. “U-Um, I don’t do anything! I’m just... here...” She was gathering up her things, so I did too, slinging my bag over my shoulder. The sun was setting. Time to head back home. Before she had a chance to try and counteract my self-deprecation, I spoke again. “That time should be _more_ than enough to make the team.”

__

She was trying out for a private school; they normally didn’t accept any kids from outside their district but their coach had made an exception for her because of how promising she was. I’d offered to help her with the training because, well... I’d do anything she’d ask, really. It was nice spending time with her like this after school every day. I mean, yeah, I should really be studying, and trying to get my grades up that had started to slip, but why did that even matter when Hyunjin needed my help? She was grateful. She’d always pack snacks and let me pick whichever one I wanted first. When we’d take breaks sometimes she’d get nostalgic from being tired, and she’d reminisce with me about how glad she was that she got assigned to sit next to me in middle school math. She had no idea just how glad I was too, and I was... a bit scared to tell her. In case she saw through the sentiment, and started to suspect.

__

She just laughed, still working on steadying her breathing. “Hell yeah it is... and you do help me. You’re like my coach, and my cheerleader, and my trainer all in one! The full package.” She was just joking, but even the teasing compliments made my chest feel light and airy. I smiled at her, letting myself stare since she wasn’t looking. She undid her tight ponytail, her hair trailing down to cascade gracefully around her shoulders for a second before she shook it out and put it back up again. The butterflies in my chest were going haywire. When her eyes caught mine, I just blinked quickly and forced myself to look away. “What’re you staring at? Like what you see?” My stomach dropped.

__

I forced out a laugh. “No. You’re all sweaty, don’t touch me.” My words were surprisingly steady and convincing. Thank goodness.

__

“Don’t touch you??” She’d previously bent to tie her sneaker, but instead straightened right back up. “Oh, don’t touch you, huh?” She took a step closer and I stepped back.

__

“Don’t.” I warned her playfully, but she had that mischievous glint to her eyes, and part of me knew that trying to protest would just encourage her.

__

“But what if I want to lift you up on my shoulders and parade you around as my amazing, award-winning coach who led me to success?!” She stepped closer, faster, and I tried to keep my distance but she was picking up her pace.

__

“You’re not strong enough to lift me that high!” I told her playfully, knowing that she’d just take that as a challenge. She broke into a full on run, trying to grab onto me. I squealed, dodging her grasp and scrambling away, knowing she was full on chasing me. This was a pretty pointless effort on my part, considering she’d just run a mile when I could barely run up a flight of stairs without coughing up my lungs, but it was the effort that counted.

__

She quickly latched onto the back of my shirt with her fingers after what must’ve only been a few steps, pulling me to her and wrapping her arms around my middle. I couldn’t help but giggle again, loving to goof off with her like this, to relax with her and laugh with her and just... _be_ with her. She made me forget everything else in my life. When I was with her, it was like we were the only two people in the world. And I knew the feeling wasn’t mutual, but I barely even cared. As long as I had her.

__

“You’re so slow I _literally_ caught you in two seconds,” She tickled my side and I tried to squirm away, only for her grip to tighten. “Maybe I should be the trainer here, you’re weak! We’ve gotta get some meat on your bones!”

__

I rolled my eyes, “Not _all_ of us want to be professional athletes!” She let me go, ruffling the hair atop my head.

__

“I guess. But I’m serious about feeding you. C’mon, lets go get some food, I’m _starved!_ ” It was never really an option, she’d been very insistent on buying me food after all of these training sessions, no matter how much I tried to offer my own money. So I simply nodded, only for her to crouch down and gesture for me to get on her back.

__

“Oh come on, don’t you need a break?” I asked her gently, not liking when she pushed herself.

__

She scoffed at me, “Hop on, dummy. I might not be able to lift you on my shoulders but I’ll be damned if I can’t bring you all the way to the bakery on my back.”

__

Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my arms around her neck and she lifted me up effortlessly. “You’re so...” I wasn’t even sure what I’d started to say. My heartbeat and emotions had gotten the best of me, the affection I felt for her swelling tangibly in my chest.

__

“What? Brave? Strong? Beautiful? Hilarious?” She started walking ahead with a slight skip in her step, still riding high from setting a personal record.

__

_Yes..._ I thought to myself, glad that I still had enough of a filter to keep that in. Instead, I reached to flick her cheek gently from all the bragging. “Full of yourself.”

__

She tilted her head, playfully pretending to bite my fingers just as I pulled them away. “You’re not wrong.” She started to pick up the pace once we’d left the track field and came closer to the road. “Hang on tight okay?” The tinge of slight, genuine concern in her voice made my heart skip a beat. It made me wonder if she might actually care, the same way I did... but I shut down those thoughts before they could get out of hand. Just like always.

__

“Okay...” I muttered softly, resting my head against her shoulder and letting myself appreciate the closeness.

__

***

__

My headphone was yanked abruptly out of my ear and I flinched, my eyes heavy from a brief, bad sleep the night before. Yerim was beaming at me as the bus bumped along the road, giddy as per usual. I’d never been able to understand how she could be so happy and upbeat, even this early in the morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and had been resorting to blaring music in my ears just so I’d be able to stay awake.

__

“Heejin-ah!! Did you hear me?” She tilted her head curiously along with the question.

__

“No.” I yawned, covering my mouth weakly. I’d been staying up late the past week or so, talking to Hyunjin on the phone. She’d just chat, about anything and everything that came to mind, and I was more than content to have her voice be the last thing I heard before I dozed off at night.

__

It was... sort of risky on my part. The more tired I got, the less of a filter I had, and a very real part of me was scared I’d let it slip one night. When she was tired her words got adorably slurred, and I’d feel my affection for her just... _tangibly_ , in my chest, and I’d nearly blurt it out. It’d come close once. When she’d mumbled sleepily, probably without thinking, that she’d wished I was there with her because her bed was cold. My heart had leapt into my throat, and the only thing I could think to say was “You have no idea how badly I want to be there,” and she was thankfully too sleepy to understand how many emotions were behind that.

__

Yerim sighed weakly at me, “I said, do you want to go shopping after school?” We did that sometimes, or rather, we used to. We lived near each other and we took the bus to and from school together.

__

I blinked at her, her words taking a few extra seconds to actually process in my sleep-addled brain, “Um, I can’t. I’ve gotta help Hyunjin practice.” She was gonna have her tryouts soon, and she was stressing a lot about it despite how well she’d been doing. She liked to overwork herself, I’d discovered, and I hated to see it. I wanted her to relax, be kind to herself, admire her own achievements instead of focusing on shortcomings. All I wanted to do was shower her with compliments and bolster the ego that was, in truth, not as big as she pretended, but I didn’t want her to see through me. I was _so_ scared she’d see through me.

__

“How come you’re so sleepy?” She scooted closer, linking her arm with mine. I was used to how touchy she was by now. Her head rested on my shoulder and for some reason the gesture almost sent me straight to sleep. “Jeez, I don’t even think you’ll make it through the day, silly. Maybe Jungeun can smuggle you coffee from the Roost or something.”

__

I tried to ignore the way my eyes burned from exhaustion, rubbing at one lazily with a loose fist, “I was up late, talking to Hyunjin.”

__

The explanation caught Yerim’s attention. “Oh? And here I was thinking you were up studying. Heejin-ahhh...” Her tone shifted to that well-intentioned concerned one that’d been emerging more and more lately for me. In all honesty, she was sort of right to worry. My grades were sinking. Which was bad. Guess I wasn’t too good at getting my priorities straight, but... I’d never felt this way before. For anyone. So yeah, I wasn’t really sure how to respond to it quite yet, or how I was supposed to act. “I thought you said you failed that math quiz last week?”

__

I sighed, not liking to be reminded. That’d been a bad day. But instead of my thoughts going straight to how rough it’d been to get that grade, it went to how Hyunjin had hugged me for a solid three minutes after I’d told her about it with a bitter frown, and she’d reassured me that I was smart and that “school was for losers anyway.” Damn. Even my brain was wired different now.

__

“Yeah...” I muttered weakly under my breath, my drowsiness really showing through in my tone.

__

She drummed her fingers gently against the back of my hand. “You should study... don’t you know we have a test on Friday?” That was two days away, and no, I hadn’t studied even the slightest bit. My stomach tied itself into knots.

__

“I do now.” I muttered under my breath, staring out the window at the city streets we passed by.

__

My response didn’t at all help with her concern. “You’ve gotta quit helping Hyunjin. I’m sure she can practice by herself, I don’t mean to sound like your mom or anything, but you should study... the semester’s almost over.” She only had good intentions. I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible for Yerim to have any sort of intentions that aren’t 10000% good, but she didn’t understand the connotations behind what she was telling me to do. Why would she?

__

“I’ve gotta help. Getting onto this team means so much to her, and if me sitting on the bleachers with a stopwatch in my hand will help her, then yeah, I’m gonna do it.” I’d spend every waking moment with Hyunjin if I could, that included conversations on the phone. As if I wouldn’t answer her if she called me. As _if_.

__

Yerim shook her head in awe, “Gosh, you’re such a good friend to her!”

__

I couldn’t help but chuckle from that comment. “Yep. A _great_ friend.” I was too tired to restrain the bitterness from creeping audibly into my voice, realizing it only just as it’d left that I should’ve kept that in. Uh-oh.

__

Yerim pulled back, turning in her seat to better face me, and I felt myself nearly break into a sweat. Oh no. I wasn’t good at lying, especially not to Yerim. Oh no, oh no no no, had I _seriously_ just blown this secret I’d kept for months on something so small and insignificant?

__

“Why that tone? What’re you--” She’d noticed. She’d definitely noticed. I felt myself starting to panic, but if I wanted her to believe what I was trying to say next I’d need to rein that in. I couldn’t, though. I really couldn’t.

__

“--What? U-uh, nothing--” That was incredibly unbelievable. Even I knew that, but it was the most convincing thing I could force out.

__

She saw through my pathetic attempt at avoidance. Yerim was pretty damn intuitive when she wanted to be. “No no no, you sounded disappointed!” She was getting more and more interested in this conversation now that she thought I was holding something back. God, had I really dug myself into this hole? This was only my fault. “Why? Aren’t you her friend?” Yeah, of course I was her friend, that wasn’t the issue here... “Why would you be disappointed in being Hyunjin’s friend unless you--” Her eyes widened all of the sudden in the middle of her vocal thought process, as she seemed to come to the natural realization anyone would’ve come to. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, right as my heart leapt into my throat. _Crap_. “OOHHHH?”

__

“Shush!” I surged forward, all of my sleepiness drained straight out of me as I finally understood just how serious this was. I’d just come out to Yerim. Intentionally or not, she was the _only_ one who knew about this, and although I adored Yerim unconditionally, I wasn’t sure how she’d take it. At the very least I didn’t feel like having her announce it to the rest of this bus. I clasped my hand over her mouth, worried she wouldn’t be able to control her own volume. She was notoriously pretty bad at that.

__

I felt her lips against my hand break into an uncontrollable, wide Yerim smile, and my shoulders untensed slightly. A good reaction...? _Please have it be good_. I trusted Yerim, and I doubted she’d be unaccepting, I mean... it was Yerim. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body, but I couldn’t really help being paranoid. This was a big deal. A pretty huge deal, actually, when I had sort of yet to even fully come out to myself yet, let alone to anyone else. This hadn’t been the way I’d wanted to do it. Really, it hadn’t, but... a small part of me was relieved. Like a weight I hadn’t even been aware I’d been carrying had finally been lifted off my shoulders, now that someone knew besides me.

__

I slowly lowered my hand from Yerim’s mouth once I thought she’d be able to control herself, the tightness in my chest starting to alleviate when I saw her absolutely uncontrollable grin. She was practically giddy. I’d gotten used to Yerim’s positivity, but I don’t think I’d ever seen it this intense before. How come she was so happy...?

__

“Oh my god!! Heejin!! Oh, I, oh my _god!!_ ” She reached forward and clasped both of my hands with hers, tightening her grip. She was shaking from how excited she was. I definitely hadn’t expected this response. From anyone, really. “I-I, you like _Hyunjin?_ ” She’d thankfully lowered her voice down to a soft, over-exaggerated whisper as she requested that confirmation.

__

There was no real point in denying it now. It was out in the open, whether I liked it or not. God, I definitely hadn’t thought this was going to happen today. In actuality I’d been more than prepared to take the secret with me to my grave, it wasn’t like I was ever going to do anything about it. What could I do? Tell her? As if... that would ruin more things than it’d fix. And if I couldn’t be with Hyunjin... like that, being with her as a friend would be enough. I just wanted to be in her life, in any capacity.

__

I sighed in defeat, accepting the situation I’d gotten myself into by being stupid and not thinking enough. “Yeah, you caught me.” I turned to face her, staring deeply into her eyes to show her just how dead serious I was, “Yerim, listen.” Her broad smile faded in an instant, and she nodded slightly, trying to get just as serious as I was. “You _can’t_ tell anyone. Please.”

__

“Oh, of course not, Heejin. Of _course_ not.” She firmly squeezed my hands in a way that somehow reassured me more than any of her words ever could. I trusted her. She was pretty dang easy to trust. But another thing Yerim always tended to do, whether you wanted it or not, was offer advice. Or help. Or both at the same time. “But... how long has this been going on for?”

__

I never ever thought I’d be talking about this aloud. Actually doing it started to just... hurt. There was a tangible pain in my chest that’s hard to describe. I guess it was sort of... hopelessness? The realization that the chance of my affection getting me anything except heartbreak was so pitifully slim that it made me want to curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone ever again.

__

“A while... sort of since I met her, I guess, now that I really think about it.” It’d gotten more intense the last year or so, as we got closer than just simple acquaintances. The closer we got, the more time I spent with her, the more intense the feelings became. I kept thinking that they’d stop, that they’d reached some sort of maximum intensity and things could finally die down or something, but it wasn’t happening. They only got stronger. It was sort of scary.

__

“Since you _met_ her?!” She asked, leaning closer to me. Her eyes were wide. She was in absolute disbelief. I got that it was a lot to process, but I didn’t expect her to be this rattled. God, I hoped the others in the friend group wouldn’t react like this. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with so much energy all at once. Jiwoo was about as extra as Yerim, so it was bound to happen with her. “Heejin, my goodness. This is like something out of a drama! So when’re you gonna tell her? Do you have a big extravagant reveal planned? Do you want me to help?? I can buy flowers, do you want to spell it out with rose petals cuz that’s always cute!”

__

I raised an eyebrow at her, dumbfounded, “Wh-- tell her? And what makes you think I’m gonna tell her? Why on earth would I do that?” She really was crazier than I ever thought. That, or she was just delusional.

__

She seemed just as confused with me as I was with her. “Why wouldn’t you tell her?”

__

Was I really gonna have to be the mature one here? I hated when she made me do that. It just wasn’t a position I was used to filling. But her optimism and innocence made it hard to explain things that just... weren’t happy like she wanted them to be all the time.

__

“Yerim... she doesn’t like me like I like her.” I explained to her slowly, not at all expecting the pain that would pierce my heart from actually forcing myself to say that aloud. I’d thought it, in my head. Of course I had. Over and over again. It’d keep me up at night, ruin my mood in the middle of the day. And now, it made my face fall. My words stopped almost before I got them all the way out. My throat closed up, and I felt my eyes burning. Whoa. I just... wasn’t prepared to talk about this. That’s all.

__

Yerim’s brow knitted up in that way it always did, looking adorably concerned. “Oh... you asked?”

__

God, sometimes it was frustrating to talk to her. Especially about this, when I could barely even address the topic without breaking down. I tried to even picture confessing to Hyunjin. There was _no_ way I’d be able to do that without crying. Hyunjin had never seen me cry before. I wondered what she’d do. But again, there was _no_ way I was going to breathe a word of it to her. No way in hell.

  
“No. Like you said, Yerim, we’re friends. Just friends.” I explained weakly, trying to keep my emotions out of it and just be matter-of-fact. It didn’t make it any easier, unfortunately.

__

“You don’t know that unless you ask.” She said that like it was obvious. Like I should’ve known it on my own already.

__

“Yes I do. The default thing between two girls is friendship. Just friendship, nothing else.” I explained to her slowly, wanting to make sure she understood. More than anything I just wanted this conversation to be over with, but I also knew she wasn’t going to give in so easy. She was too naturally inclined to help. Too well-intentioned. She was also damned intuitive, and I knew she could see through me and tell just how sad I really was about this, deep down. Unrequited affection did that to you.

__

“Well if you have a nasty outlook like that, you’re bound to only get bad results.” Yerim tried to instill some of her positivity into me, but it bounced off like nothing. I just shook my head at her slowly. “Come on! It’s Valentine’s day in like, three days!! Do you have any idea how romantic it would be to confess now?? It’s the most fitting thing ever, please, I already ship it!!”

__

“Don’t do that, Yerim, please.” I sighed deeply, shutting my eyes. They burnt now from sleepiness and oncoming tears.

__

“Do what? What am I doing?” She whispered to me gently, clasping my hands again. She intertwined our fingers, and the contact was gentle enough for me to open my eyes again. Hers were soft. Warm. She just wanted to help, but part of her didn’t really know how. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t know what to say either.

__

“You’re making me hope for things, and that’s _so_ dangerous.” I told her, my voice nothing more than a pitiful little whimper. I was losing all semblance of composure. I didn’t want to break down in the middle of this bus if I didn’t have to, but all this talk, it was almost too much for me to deal with.

__

“Dangerous? Well come on, that’s a bit extreme.” She told me. “What’s so bad about hope? Hope is a _good_ thing, Heekkie!” She patted my hand twice, “If you won’t hope for it, I’ll do it for you. How’s that?”

__

I ran my hand down my face. “No. Yerim, the best thing you could do for me right now would be to just pretend like I never told you this. Okay? Please? Do you think you can do that?” I asked her weakly. It was a simple request. I wasn’t so sure she’d be able to manage it, though.

__

She was torn, clearly wanting to help and do what I asked but also wanting to hope for the best possible outcome. “I... I guess, if that’s what you want, but really Heejin, I think you should at least try and--”

__

“--It’ll just ruin things.” I cut her off, not having it in me to listen to another one of her motivational tangents. They were useless and just made my chest feel hollow. “It’ll just... mess up our friendship. She doesn’t feel the same. So if I tell her how I feel, it’ll ruin things, and I like how things are now.”

__

“Do you really, though...?” Yerim was cautious to ask that question. That was more of her natural intuition showing through.

__

I didn’t know how to answer that. I hadn’t expected it. I thought that would’ve been enough to shut her up, but I’d been wrong, and now she’d struck me speechless. Lying was easier. Denial was easier. Accepting my situation for what it was, that was just easier. At least for now.

__

“Yeah. I do.”

__

The bus stopped at school. I avoided talking to Yerim for the rest of the day, but she made sure to hug me extra tight before I walked off to help Hyunjin with her training.

__

***

__

“How’s math going?” Hyunjin asked me as she stretched thoroughly before starting her warmup. I’d been spacing out. The talk with Yerim had thrown me for a loop. I could barely think about anything else. Normally my brain was full of daydreams about Hyunjin, but now? It was full of half-baked plans of confessing, potential awful outcomes, the slim chances of things actually going well, and then my rationalization beating all of that into dust. Over and over. An endless, relentless cycle that made me feel more like I was losing my mind than anything else.

__

I blinked twice, pulling myself from the thought process for a few moments so I could talk to Hyunjin like an actual person. “Um, not great.”

__

She paused mid-stretch to look right at me, absolutely all of her attention diverted in an instant. “What? Why? Did you get another bad grade? Are you okay?” She was so concerned. I was sitting cross-legged on the grass next to the track, and she moved to kneel down right in front of me. I stared into her eyes and just let myself, for longer than normal. They were so pretty, the little flecks of light brown around the irises making them have so much depth I got lost in them.

__

Finally, I managed the slightest smile. “I’m fine. Just didn’t know we had a test on Friday, and I haven’t studied at all--”

__

“--Well then let’s study right now! Duh.” She reached to my backpack on the ground at my side and pulled it into her lap, taking the liberty of unzipping it and ungraciously dumping out its contents onto the grass.

__

“What’re you--” I reached forward, clasping her hand when she started to unbutton my pencil pouch. She raised an eyebrow at me, not understanding. “Don’t you need to practice? Your tryouts are soon. You’ve been working so hard for this.”

__

She rolled her eyes blatantly at me, “Okay, one: _we’ve_ been working so hard for this, two: don’t be stupid, you need to study, three: let me help you, it’s way past time for me to return the favor.” She shifted her hand to instead clasp and squeeze my fingers, my heart skipping a beat from even the slightest contact with her.

__

I blinked at her in disbelief. She was being so selfless, sweet, and sincere. I... the feelings in my chest were _so_ intense, the butterflies fluttering tangibly around my heart. Everything around me felt fluffy and light. More than anything I just wanted to nestle my head in her shoulder and wrap her in my arms, tell her how I felt about her, that she was the most important person in my life and that she made everything so much better so effortlessly, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was too risky. Too precarious. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t know what to do if that happened, so I wasn’t going to put it on the line.

__

“Hyunjin-ah...” I didn’t know what to say.

__

“Jeez, why’re you acting like I just took a bullet for you? I’m just gonna shove some flashcards in your face.” She reached up unexpectedly, pinching one of my cheeks. It turned beet red from the contact, I couldn’t help it. “I owe you, dummy! God you don’t make any sense sometimes...” She trailed off strangely on the last sentiment. Oh no. Was she catching onto me?

__

I swallowed hard. I needed to rein this in. It was showing through, it must’ve been. “I-I um, I don’t have any flashcards made.”

__

She sighed heavily, “Damn you’re a lost cause.” She started to roughly root through all of my binders and folders, probably looking for the necessary materials that I lacked. “Do you even _own_ flashcards?? Heejin, I’m supposed to be the dumb jock here. You know that right?”

__

I was blushing again, for what reason, I don’t even know. Anything she did or said just... got to me. She was so effortlessly charming. Even the stupidest little quip would send me swooning. It’d taken a _lot_ of getting used to to even be able to respond properly to her attempts at banter once the feelings got really bad.

__

“Um... you’re not a dumb jock, you were never dumb.” I whispered to her gently.

__

“I’m pretty dumb.” She didn’t even hesitate. She started to rip out paper from my notebook, clumsily folding it up into small rectangles and ripping it to make little cards. “At least with some things.”

__

“We’re all dumb with some things.” I told her. I didn’t like when she made the slightest form of a self-deprecating comment. I didn’t even care if it was a joke. It was the affection in me making me want to blurt out an endless stream of compliments at any opportunity, I think.

__

“You’re smart.” She told me seriously, not even the slightest ounce of sarcasm in her tone, which was a rarity. “You’re really smart, and you’re capable, and if you just put the effort in you’ll do well on this test. I’ll make sure of it.”

__

I smiled sheepishly at her, knowing I was still probably blushing like an absolute idiot. “Oh? And how’ll you do that?”

__

She gave me one of her signature smiles, her adorable canines showing and her eyes getting all squinty like they did. She threw a pencil at me that I barely managed to catch, “By helping you study!! Right here, right now, starting with making you some goddamn flash cards.” I just nodded timidly, having a feeling that this wasn’t up for debate. She was way too stubborn to even know what the word debate meant. “And if that fails, then I’ll beat your math teacher up for you.” She shot me a wink that made me feel like I was melting.

__

“Don’t... don’t do that.” I told her. She didn’t understand what I meant. She thought I was talking about the math teacher, but I was talking about winking at me. My brain practically short-circuited.

__

“Yaknow you’re not very authoritative. You’ve gotta work on your tone when you give me orders or I’m not too inclined to listen to you.” She jibed at me, and I opened my mouth to potentially try and be more firm, but she held up her finger and pressed it to my lips. My heart leapt straight through my chest, eyes widening. “Stop being cute and trying to match my unrivaled wit. It’s not gonna work. So, shut up. Flash cards.”

__

I did shut up. She was easy to listen to. Plus I was struck speechless by the compliment. Did she just call me “cute?” She shot me another question, snapping me out of it. “But... wait, how’d you not know we had a test? Even _I_ knew we had a test. And I’m _me_. I don’t even know what day it is today.”

__

What was I supposed to tell her...? That my mind was so busy fretting about how enamored I was with her, I was practically incapable of thinking of a single other thing? That when she called me at night, my one and only concern was keeping her on the phone for as long as she was willing? That all I ever wanted to do was talk to her, be with her, be near her, no matter what the cost, even if that meant my grades would plummet unrecoverably? I couldn’t say any of that. I wouldn’t. Ever.

__

“Um... haven’t had time to study. That’s all.” I muttered, hoping she didn’t see through the vagueness of my response and read it as the lie it was.

__

Her beautiful eyes narrowed at me in suspicion. “Why? Did you suddenly get a hobby I don’t know about? What’s taking up so much of your time?”

__

_If having an enormous crush on you counts as a hobby, then yeah, I got a hobby_. I thought to myself, keeping the words back. I resisted the urge to clear my throat and instead tried to give her a bit of a better excuse, “Well, normally I used to study before I went to bed, but _someone_ has been distracting me at around that time lately.” I referred weakly to our nightly phone calls, knowing she’d know what I meant.

__

“Oh!” She chuckled, “So it’s _my_ fault you didn’t know there was a test, huh?”

__

“What?” I raised my hands up in defense, smiling smugly, “I didn’t say that.”

__

“Just don’t answer my calls, if you have to study!” She said that so matter-of-factly, like it was the easiest solution in the world, and yeah, it would’ve been, if this wasn’t as complicated as it was. But she didn’t know that.

__

“But I want to talk to you...” I muttered softly, more to myself than to her.

__

Her expression changed slightly. It softened. “I want to talk to you too. Obviously. That’s why I call.”

__

My heart fluttered. She wanted to talk to me. She thought about me enough to want to talk to me. Every night. I thought the first call had been a fluke. I’d had to brace myself for a solid seven seconds before answering because my hands had started shaking so violently I almost dropped my phone. The second time I noticed the pattern, but dismissed it as nothing. The third, fourth, fifth time? I assumed it was just some sort of routine for her. Nothing more, nothing less, but it was fine, because I loved the sound of her voice. But no, it wasn’t any of that. She called because she wanted to talk to me.

__

She blinked twice, as if coming to her senses. “But, if me calling you is too much of a distraction for some reason, I won’t do it anymore.” My heart wrenched unexpectedly. No, I didn’t want that. That was the last thing I wanted, but I didn’t want to tell her. She’d suspect. “At least not until after this test.”

__

“I...” I pulled back the part of me that wanted to nearly break down, actively restraining my intense frustration at the consequences of this conversation. “Fine, I guess.”

__

“You ‘guess?’ What, you have a better idea?”

__

“No, I just... like talking to you...” I muttered the last part so weakly I wasn’t even sure if she could hear. She leaned closer, tilting her head toward me to listen better, and my breath hitched unintentionally from the change in proximity.

__

She rolled her eyes again, “I think you’ll be able to survive for a few days. God you’re dramatic.”

__

I shrugged earnestly, “So? You love me.” I was just trying to be bantery. Fun, like how I’d be with any of my other friends. Trying to convince myself that Hyunjin _was_ just another friend. But it was damn near impossible. My brain and my heart just wouldn’t cooperate.

__

She playfully nudged my shoulder, “Don’t flatter yourself. Start those flashcards.” She ordered me gently, clasping my hand and closing my fingers around a pencil she’d placed in my palm. Her skin was so warm. I stared at her as she helped me write down formulas and rules and stupid awful math things with color-coded pens Yerim had gifted me for my last birthday. She laughed and teased me still, but she was genuinely helping. Which was so impossibly endearing, that she cared that much, when her tryout was only a few days away.

__

I was falling for her _so_ hard. Deep down I knew there was no going back. And all that did was terrify me.

__

***

__

When my phone buzzed later that night with her familiar unique ringtone, I tripped over my own two feet and actually fell up my stairs. I coughed slightly, the edge of one of the steps having jabbed at my gut. She’d claimed she wouldn’t call. Had she forgotten? Was this urgent, or something? When I checked the clock I saw that it was later than the usual time she decided to call. But again, of course I was going to answer. I physically did not have the resistance in me to not answer, despite having been heading upstairs to go to bed.

__

“Hello?” I did my best to steady my voice as I headed into my room and shut the door behind me.

__

“Helloooo~” Her voice came from the other end in a singsong tone. My heart skipped a beat and I found myself smiling like a dope. These phone calls were almost easier than talking to her in person, because I didn’t have to monitor how excessively I was smiling or how intense my blush was. She couldn’t see, it didn’t matter. “What’re ya up to?” She asked me. Her words were slurring ever so slightly in the way they only did when she was really really sleepy. I’d get butterflies just thinking about her fluttering eyelids and her slowed motions, all bundled up in her blankets.

__

I sat on my own bed, “Nothing... why’re you calling?” I asked her thoughtfully. It should’ve been impossible to feel this elated from a simple phone call.

__

She seemed confused by the question and she hummed slightly instead of responding right away. “I dunno... just thinking about you.”

__

My heart did a little flip and I had to keep back an actual gasp, I was so stunned. “I-I... uh, I was thinking about you too...” I rolled my eyes to myself. _When am I_ ** _not_** _thinking about you_...

__

She giggled softly. I loved when she got tired like this. Everything was suddenly funny to her, and she stopped making sense. “Oh really? What were you thinking about me?”

__

I couldn’t say. But she was thankfully loopy enough from being tired that I knew I had more control over the conversation than I normally would. So I tossed her question back at her. “What were _you_ thinking about _me?_ ”

__

A happy, content sounding sigh prompted her next words, “Just... that I like your smile. And the little dot you have by your eye... I just wanna boop it.” She was so mumbly I struggled to even piece her words together, but _damn_ was my heart beating at three times the speed.

__

Was I dreaming this up? Had I fallen asleep into a painfully cruel, vivid dream, or was this real? Was she just being complimentary in a friend way...? Did she do this to our other friends? Did she call up Jiwoo in the early hours of the morning and compliment her bangs? Or was this unique to me...? And if it was, what did that mean? Anything? Nothing? _Something_? My mind was going a million miles an hour.

__

“You want to ‘boop’ it?” I asked her, suppressing a laugh.

__

“Yessss.” All her words were getting adorably drawn out. “I just wanna poke it and see if it’ll wipe off, like, maybe you draw it on with sharpie or something every day.”

__

I chuckled, “You think I draw it on every day?? Wow I’m honestly offended.”

__

“I-I’m not _accusing_ you of anything, but it’s just, like, you’re already so pretty and now you get a cute lil’ dot next to your eye too? Now, just, how’s that fair? I don’t think that’s very fair.” It took her a solid two minutes to even get those sentences out, her words spaced apart oddly.

__

I was pretty convinced my mind had made this up. “Um... uh, wh-- huh?” I blinked twice, trying to come to my sense and respond coherently. I didn’t want her to be able to tell just how much her compliments affected me. That’d be a dead giveaway. Right...? But I couldn’t believe what she was saying. She’d never talked to me like this, _ever_. Why now? What had prompted this? Where was it coming from? Should I compliment her back...? Or was that too slippery of a slope? What if I didn’t know where to stop? What was the line between a platonic observation and flirting?

__

I cleared my throat weakly. “You... I wouldn’t say it’s unfair. You’re just as pretty as me, Hyun. If not... prettier.” I wasn’t even sure of what I was saying. My heart was in my throat. I was damn near lightheaded.

__

Her only response was a small little laugh. “Ahhhh, Heejin...” She didn’t say another word. I could vaguely hear her breathing. It slowly started to even out. For some reason, the longer the silence went on for, the more my eyes started to burn. There was a lump in my throat. I have no idea why. Maybe because this conversation felt so teasingly close to a conversation a couple would be having, but that wasn’t what we were.

__

Minutes passed. Then more and more minutes, and she didn’t say anything. I was left alone with my exhaustion fueled thoughts, which wasn’t good for me. “Hyunjin...? Are you asleep...?” I asked her in a gentle whisper, not wanting to wake her up in case she wasn’t. There was no answer. Just the comforting sound of her even, steady breathing, and the occasional little snore that was so damn adorable it made me feel like I was gonna explode.

__

She was asleep. She wouldn’t hear me. I could say things, and she wouldn’t hear. It would almost be like confessing. As close as it could get. As close as I ever would get.

__

“Hyunjin... I care about you so much. Please don’t wake up. But... I... I-I like you, more than... more than a friend.” My voice broke. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t know where they came from or why that’d happened, but... there they were. I wasn’t done, though. Words that were trapped within me just kept tumbling past my lips, “I-I do. I just _do_. A-and... it _sucks._ ” A sob finally hit me and it was loud. Too loud. She woke up. Stirred slightly, audibly, but as soon as she heard it, she was fully awake.

__

“Whoa, whoa, Heejin?? Are you okay, are you crying? Sweetie, wait, whoa, hold on, don’t cry, what’s wrong?” I heard something clamor in her room. I think she shot awake in her bed so fast she knocked something over.

__

“I-I’m sorry, nothing, it’s nothing--” A sharp sob stabbed at my chest and I clutched at it weakly, trying desperately to get it together. This was coming from somewhere deep. Tears that’d been building up for who even knows how long. They were coming out one way or another. I hadn’t expected Hyunjin to hear them, that was for damn sure.

__

“Huh? Don’t apologize, I-- was this my fault? Did I say something stupid? I’m so sorry if I did, please stop crying, this is like the worst sound I’ve ever heard, I’m not even there to hug you Heekkie this is unacceptable.” I laughed weakly, tearily, flattered that she cared so much. Ironically I wasn’t sure if a hug from her would make this better or worse. “See? That was a laugh! Sort of! I-I, um, do you think Jungeun’s awake? Do you think she’d be able to drive me over there? I just want to hug you. Please don’t cry. Shh, it’s okay.” Her comforting me was only making the pain more present and real. Because here she was, being the sweetest, nicest, most lovable person I’d ever met, and I just felt my stupid self falling even further. Still.

__

“I-It’s... not your fault.” I told her, steadying my voice as best as I could. I didn’t want her to worry. And in truth, it wasn’t really her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d just been herself, something she couldn’t help. And I’d fallen for every single aspect of her, every quirk, every detail and trait and oddity. “I’m fine. Just... stressed out. Go to bed. Okay?”

__

There was a pause of deliberation on her end. “Are you sure? I’m serious, I’ll literally run to your house if I have to, it’s only a few miles...” She trailed off, waiting for me to contradict and reject her relatively ridiculous offer.

__

“No.” I told her, putting in absolutely all of my effort to not have my voice break pitifully like it so wanted to. “Go to bed, Hyun.”

__

“Why’re you stressed? Because of math? How about tomorrow I come over, after school, and I help you study? For as long as you need. We’ve still got a day before the test.” I wished she was there with me. Really, I did, but I wasn’t gonna make her come all this way. That was stupid.

__

“I dunno. Maybe.” I whispered weakly, wishing I could get it together so she wouldn’t have to worry.

__

“Heejin-ah...” My heart fluttered the way it always did, whenever she used any sort of nickname for me. I was so whipped. “I can sit here and talk with you for as long as you want. I’m serious. Whatever you need.”

__

“I’m fine.” I told her gently. “Just go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

__

“Okay.” Her voice was so gentle and warm. “I’ll see you. Try and get some rest, sweetie.”

__

I hung up the phone and went to sleep, hugging my pillow to my chest and doing everything in my power to just shut my brain up. It didn’t work.

__

***

__

“Gooood morning Heejin!” Yerim practically squealed in my ear when she met me at the bus stop. I was exhausted. Eventually I’d gotten to sleep, but I felt so... off balance. That’s the only real way I know how to describe it. Everything felt strange. Yerim clasped my hand gently, bouncing up and down, even her outfit reflecting her bright personality with intense colors and excessive amounts of accessories because she “could never pick just one,” as she liked to say. “What’s the matter? Ohh, you look so sleepy. When’d you go to bed last night?”

__

I shrugged, not even having an honest answer to that question. “Um... I dunno.”

__

She stepped closer to me, lifting her hand to place it on my cheek. “Heejin? Are you okay?”

__

I shook my head, my mind wandering all over the place. “No. I... spent the better part of last night crying.” What was the point of lying to Yerim? The most she’d do would be concern me to death.

__

Which she was basically about to do. In an instant her arms were around me, tight, constricting, hugging the air out of me almost. “That is _so_ not okay, Heejin, I live like five houses down, why didn’t you come get me?!” She rubbed her hand in soothing circles against my back, and although my natural instinct was to push her off and away from me and be by myself, a deeper part of me just made me hide my face in her shoulder.

__

“It was late...” I whispered softly, hating how fragile and weak I felt. Ever since last night, even when the tears finally let up, I just felt... different. Weaker. “Yerim, I _hate_ this.” I confessed to her quietly.

__

“Aw, sweetie... what do you hate?”

__

“Liking Hyunjin. I hate it. It’s making things so _complicated_.” I held onto her tightly suddenly, balling up fistfuls of her shirt as I started to say more and more, things I hadn’t expected to blurt out. “I never stop thinking about her. It’s like I can’t. Which on its own would be fine, but I can barely be near her without turning into a bumbling mess. It makes me want to avoid her, because it hurts, because I like her _so_ much, and I-I can’t be with her, but I also _only_ want to be around her, more than anyone else, so it’s like I can’t win no matter what and it’s driving me _crazy_.”

__

I don’t think Yerim had expected this either. It was a lot to take in, so I didn’t blame her for the few lingering seconds of silence that followed my rambling. “Oh, Heejin... this is worse than I thought. I’m sorry, but I haven’t dealt with this before, so I don’t have any personal advice to give you, but... um, don’t get mad, but... I still think you should tell her.” I drew away on instinct, sighing to myself, but she stuck to her guns. “No, no, just hear me out. Listen, it’d clear things up for you, right? Whatever she’d say, there’d be less unknowns! So... if she definitely doesn’t like you, maybe it can help you move on! And if she _does_ like you, then you can be happy! Right?” She was being so cautious. She didn’t want to sound like she was pushing or pressuring me, and she wasn’t. But... maybe she had a point.

__

“I’m just...” I sniffled, taking a deep breath. “I’m just so scared. I don’t want to lose her. Maybe... something small. What’s something small I could do? Instead of just outright confessing?” Yerim seemed to like to help. Why not ask her to?

__

Yerim sighed weakly, nursing her lower lip between her teeth as she got lost in her own head. She really wanted to give me thoughtful, meaningful advice. She went silent for a solid minute or so, humming to herself. I appreciated how much effort she was putting in. Now she knew more about me than anyone else in the friend group. I trusted her implicitly. Even if she couldn’t come up with any idea that would help fix this, I’d still appreciate her and love her and support her in the same way if it ever came to that. I couldn’t blame her for needing to think. Hell, I was the one in this position, thinking about it nonstop, and I hadn’t come up with any solutions that actually resulted in things getting any better for me. No, the outcomes were always worse than how they were now. I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with being even simply less close with Hyunjin, that on its own might just break me. The dependency I’d formed was... something I’d never really felt before.

__

She asked me a quick clarifying question, “Do you mean, like, so you could _hint_ at your feelings without saying them? Because I don’t really know how to do that, but I do have one, admittedly corny idea.”

__

I reached forward, clasping her arm roughly, “What? What is it?” It wasn’t subtle that I was desperate. The feelings were only getting stronger, and because of that I was only getting worse at keeping them back. At some point they’d come out, or Hyunjin would infer it herself without me even needing to say a single word. Either way that wasn’t what I wanted.

__

She held up her hands, trying to calm me down, “I-I, I don’t know if it’ll work. It’s just an idea! But uh, it’s almost Valentine’s day. Like, literally tomorrow, so, um, I’d recommend writing a letter!” Her chipper tone had come back in full force. Meanwhile my face fell.

__

“A letter?” My stomach was tying itself into knots. If that was the best idea she had, then this really was a lost cause. What good would a letter do? What was the difference between that and outright confessing, obviously besides it being written down instead of me stammering it out like a blushing idiot?

__

She saw that she was losing me, and she stepped closer, speaking quickly to counteract how disappointed I sounded. “No, no no, like, you make it anonymous! Like a secret admirer! That’s classic Valentine’s stuff! And if you two turn into something that’s such a romantic origin story, like c’mon!” Her smile was still there, bright as the sun as per usual. She really had faith in this plan. She genuinely believed it would work, that it’d be the start of something real and long lasting. God, I _wished_ I had her optimism. I _wished_ I could let myself believe in things like that, but I was stuck with being way too realistic for my own good. Daydreams didn’t even work anymore. They always got interrupted by pesky rationalization.

__

“I... so, what, I just write something sappy in a letter and hope she knows it’s from me?” I released my grip on Yerim’s arm, only for her to firmly latch onto both of my hands.

__

“I mean, sorta! Would she think someone else left it for her? Like, does anyone else like her right now?” She asked me that as if I’d know.

__

I scoffed under my breath, “Wouldn’t be surprised. I mean, she’s Hyunjin, just look at her...” For once I finally let my unconditional affection for Kim Hyunjin show through in my voice. Yerim’s smile widened somehow, her eyes sparkling.

__

“Wow, you really do like her! Oh, this is so precious. Pretty sure she _has_ to like you back, just because of how precious this is!” She was giddy all over again. That made one of us, at least.

__

“Yerim, it’s just... I dunno. What if she thinks it’s from someone else? What if she _wants_ it to be from someone else?” I felt sick from even the thought. She was Hyunjin. She could get practically anyone she wanted, myself absolutely included, but... I didn’t like to picture it: her with someone else while I was forced to just sit on the sidelines and watch it happen. God, I was so scared of that. It was probably my biggest fear, and it was only made worse because of how possible it was.

__

Yerim made a quiet _tsk_ ing sound, shaking her head at the bleak tone to my voice. “Heejin-ah... if you don’t do this, or at least _something,_ you’ll never know. Would you be okay with that? Never knowing?” She asked me weakly, the question lingering in the air. I took a deep breath, really letting myself think hard. I... wasn’t sure. I honestly wasn’t sure. She had a point though. If I just stood by, if I just suffered in silence, I wouldn’t get any closure. This affection would burn in my heart, shriveling up inside until there was nothing left. I wasn’t sure if I could do that. I’d like to _think_ I could. But in reality...

__

“You’re right.” I confessed, hating to say so because I was just so _scared_. “I... I guess I’ll do it. But I-I, I don’t even know what I’ll write in it...?” Yerim was already reaching for her backpack and rooting around the inside. She pulled out one of her many notebooks. She liked to collect things, and pretty stationary was included in that.

__

She answered my question right as we stepped onto the bus that’d pulled down our street without either of us noticing. “You just write what you feel! You’ve already told me some of it, just do that again, but write it down! You can hint or not hint who you are as much or as little as you want... it’s really up to you, but I’d recommend hinting _heavily_.” She shot me a wink and another grin.

__

I didn’t say anything as we sat down in the back of the bus. Yerim tugged out a pretty piece of pink stationary and placed it into my hands. I stared at it, wondering what words I’d wind up filling it with, what Hyunjin would think when she read them, if she’d even think or care about them at all, or if she’d just brush it off. I wondered if she’d care more, knowing they came from me. I wondered a lot of things, so many that it made my hands start to shake and my head start to hurt.

__

I sighed, “Do you have a pen--?”

__

My question barely left me before Yerim was shoving a handful of colorful pens into my lap, “Yes!! Many pens!! Here! Pick whichever you want, I’d say pink, that’s a romantic color! Or red! But red is kinda aggressive!”

__

I sighed deeply, reaching for the pink one and doing my best to stop my hands from trembling. This was in pen, so I couldn’t really afford to mess up. If this was how I was going to indirectly confess to Hyunjin, I wanted it to at least look pretty. I wondered if she’d recognize my handwriting, and I honestly wasn’t sure, which made this all the more risky. But it didn’t stop me. I didn’t hesitate when I put that pen to paper and started writing all of my deepest, innermost feelings that I’d always thought I’d never say, never speak to anyone. Yerim didn’t look out of politeness alone, instead reaching and grabbing the pens I’d decided against using and tucking them away. She pulled out a few sheets of stickers from her bag as well.

__

“These are cute! Look, these ones have hearts, and ooh! Rainbows! How impossibly fitting!” She edged them toward me on the bus seat but didn’t interrupt me. I think she could tell that I was delving somewhere deep inside to write all of this down, and she didn’t want to cut my train of thought short.

__

Shockingly, she stayed quiet for the rest of the ride. Something that’d literally never happened before. She just left me with my own thoughts, my own writing, my own feelings. The longer I wrote, the easier it got, and the more I found I had to say. I had to write smaller as it went on so I could fit everything I wanted to, and I didn’t even care if it sounded rambly or incoherent. Sometimes my own feelings were rambly and incoherent, and that was just how it was. This letter was honest. It was real, unexpectedly so, and probably more intense than a simple secret admirer letter was supposed to be, but I couldn’t help it.

__

The bus stopped, and I blinked my way back to awareness. “Oh...”

__

Yerim smiled at me, tapping the stickers as if to remind me they were there. “C’mon! We’re here. Are you all done?”

__

“Uh, I...” I looked it over briefly, but I didn’t even need to. I remembered everything it had said. I remembered everything I’d written, because they were the thoughts that were always buzzing on the inside of my brain. “I guess so...”  
  


“Good!” She took the liberty of gently snatching the paper from my grasp, folding it up prettily and neatly, and placing rainbow stickers all along the blank side. She used a heart sticker to keep it stuck closed, and then she placed it gently back in my hands. “Well here it is!” I stared down at it oddly. My heart was beating twice the speed. “How are you feeling?” She asked, actively restraining her enthusiasm.

__

“I... am I really giving her this...?” I asked weakly. It felt like my world was about to change irreversibly. Somehow. For good or bad, I didn’t know.

__

Yerim nodded at me, “Yes, but you need to be sneaky about it!! C’mon, we’ve gotta get off this bus, but you can’t let Hyunjin see you have that or then she’ll know it’s you!” She was tugging me to my feet, and I followed. I tucked the letter into my back pocket clumsily, not knowing what else to do with it.

__

“W-where do I put it?” I asked her weakly, finding myself starting to panic as we stepped out into the crowd of kids rushing into the building before the bell rang.

__

“Her locker, duh!” Yerim told me, guiding us to the spot our group usually convened before heading inside. My chest was fluttering as I only then seemed to realize that I was going to see Hyunjin. Right now, I was going to see her. I could never prepare myself for the way my heart swelled whenever I laid eyes on her. It only got stronger every time. And today was no different.

__

She spotted me first, and the adorable smile she’d worn while laughing with Jungeun faded in an instant. Oh? What for? I smiled back at her, confused as to why she suddenly looked so serious, and she just rushed toward me. Parted the crowd, even literally shoved some dude out of the way, just to wrap me in her arms as soon as I was in reach. She hugged me tighter than she’d ever hugged me before, nearly squeezing the air from my lungs, her grip warm and comforting and just... oof. My heart skipped a beat, my breath hitching unintentionally, but I hugged her back on sheer instinct alone, doing my absolute best to keep myself from shaking.

__

“I-I uh, good morning to you too!” I greeted her, glad that I still had it in me to prevent my voice from being weak.

  
She hid her face in my neck, cradling the back of my head, and I was worried I might pass out from how literally lightheaded this was making me. She’d never held me like this. Never. “I couldn’t hug you last night, so I’m doing it now.” She told me sweetly, right in my ear, her tone soft and quiet so that nobody else would overhear. Like this was something just between us.

__

I dared to rub a soft circle along her back, trying to play this off like it meant way less to me than it did, but I was an absolute wreck inside. She cared that much...? She was that affected by what’d happened the night before, on that phone call, that she was hugging me like this now? Making sure I was okay? I knew Yerim was watching us. I just hoped she could prevent herself from shooting me any knowing looks.

__

“I’m okay. Really, Hyun, I’m okay...” I trailed off, smiling like a dope to myself when she only tightened her grip in response.

__

She gently trailed her fingers through my hair and I genuinely doubted my ability to even breathe anymore. “If I ever hear you crying again I’m gonna lose my mind.” She whispered that softly, so as not to expose my emotional distress to the others in case I wanted to keep it between us. She sounded so incredibly protective. It made me feel... safe. She pulled back suddenly and I felt colder from the loss of contact, only to have all that heat flood back into my cheeks when she gently placed her hand there. “That literally almost broke my heart.”

__

I resisted the urge to clear my throat, instead smiling weakly. “I-It’s... I’m fine. It was just a fluke.”

__

Hyunjin shot me one of her signature, heart-melting smiles, finally moving her hand from my cheek so I could actually try and regain some composure. “Did you decide if you want to take me up on that study offer? It still stands.”

__

I took a slight step back from her, making it look casual but needing to do it so I’d even be able to speak. “I dunno, um... maybe not?” She gasped in fake offense, and I found myself grinning like an idiot even still. “I-I just, it’s not necessary! We can just train for your tryout, it’s so soon and--”

__

“--Will you _stop_ that? God, you’re insufferable I swear.” She ruffled the hair atop my head and I pouted at her, something I knew she had a weakness to. Her face changed subtly, but she stuck to her guns. “I don’t need to train anymore. Look at me, I’m fully trained up.” She flexed her bicep at me and I felt myself getting flustered internally, but I rolled my eyes. “You, though? You’re gonna flunk this math test and I won’t have that.” She reached forward again, gently tilting my head up by pushing on my chin. God sometimes I swear it was like she knew what she was doing. “I _will_ help you pass! No matter what, dummy.”

__

“I... I mean, if you aren’t giving me a choice...” I sighed weakly. I hadn’t had much of a resistance to her pleading anyway, but what I really couldn’t stop thinking about was the letter sitting in my back pocket and the unknowns surrounding it. Maybe after reading it she’d be regretting this study plan. Maybe she’d know it was from me and never want to hangout with me alone again.

__

She chuckled, my chest lightening from the lovely sound, “I’m not.” She punched my chest gently and I winced at her, “You’ll have to literally fight me to keep me from coming over and helping you today. And I’m pretty sure I’d win.”  
  


Our friend Jungeun had overheard most of the latter half of this and she walked over with a raised eyebrow, “Pretty sure? Hyun, you could literally crush Heejin just by nudging her too hard.”

__

Hyunjin nodded in agreement, wrapping her arms firmly around my waist and lifting me up and off my feet effortlessly. I grumbled in protest, squirming, trying to be put back down. “Okay, true, but I’d never do that, I love the dope too much.” My heart wrenched suddenly.

__

I knew she meant something different. Of course I knew that. I just wished she hadn’t said it at all. She set me back down, my face having fallen, and Yerim gently, subtly placed her hand at the small of my back.

__

“Don’t we all?” Jungeun quipped back with a smile. Normally that small comment would’ve warmed my heart, but now? It didn’t even make me flinch. Jiwoo skipped over to us, humming a song to herself.

__

Hyunjin seconded the notion, “Fair point.”

__

Jiwoo raised an eyebrow, “What’re we talking about? Loving Heejin?! Ooh, let me join, I love Heejin!”

__

Yerim raised her hand up as high as it would go, “Me too!”

__

Hyunjin edged closer to me as the others started to chat amongst themselves, “Damn, people really do love you huh?” I shrugged earnestly, ignoring the lingering pain in my chest. “You make it really easy.” She added on that last part under her breath. I almost didn’t hear.

__

“I... didn’t do anything.” I mumbled, not sure how to feel.

__

Hyunjin sighed in frustration, “Jeez, you’re really good at selling yourself short. You gotta kick that habit, I’m gonna run out of ways to compliment you soon.”

__

“You don’t have to compliment me--” The bell rang, and the front doors opened. The crowd started to head inside, our group included in it. “U-Um, I’ll see you at lunch.” I told her with the best smile I could manage, wondering when I’d find time to sneak the letter into her locker. I guess I’d just have to ask to go to the bathroom and make a detour. Oh no, what if she caught me somehow...? What would I do? This could go so wrong in so many ways, and I knew that, but for some reason it wasn’t dissuading me.

__

“Okay! I’m serious about the study date.” I hated the way my heart skipped when she so much as said the word “date,” but coped by just subtly clenching my fists to myself.

__

“I know!” I called out to her as we separated in the crowd, having different classes to go to. Yerim was with me still, and she held onto my hand, matching my gaze.

__

“You’re still going through with it, right?” She was whispering even now, despite there being nobody around us who’d be able to understand what she was referencing. I appreciated how hard she was trying to be discrete.

__

“I... I think so.” I told her softly, pulling the letter out from my pocket just to look at it again. Strange to think that just a simple piece of paper would be enough to potentially change everything for me.

__

Yerim smiled broadly from the confirmation. “Good! I’m proud of you!! That... uh, looked kinda rough back there. With all the touchiness and stuff.” I was almost glad that she knew about my feelings now, so that she could empathize with me like this. It was validating to have someone witness what I was going through. It didn’t make much of a difference, but it was nice.

__

“It was... she’s never hugged me like that.” I felt the need to point out, my heart still beating irregularly from it.

__

Yerim hummed knowingly, smiling smugly to herself. “If you ask me - which yes, I know you didn’t - that was a more-than-friend hug.”

__

I couldn’t help but glare slightly at her, “You’re doing it again.”

__

“Doing what? I didn’t do anything!” She played innocent. I just rolled my eyes.

__

“Stop. I really don’t need false hope, okay?” I tried to tell her weakly as we walked into our classroom. Her lips parted, probably to further defend herself or to blatantly disregard what I was saying, but I cut her off. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But... this could go badly. It could, a-and I need to prepare myself for that.” I was trying so hard to be mature. It’d be really, _really_ easy to just receive endless validation and hope from Yerim, to wrap myself in it, but then if it didn’t go well I’d just fall apart. I didn’t want to fall apart.

__

Yerim was optimistic, but she wasn’t dumb. She just nodded, “Alright... you need to keep me posted, though. Please?”

__

That was basically a given. I wouldn’t even be doing this if it wasn’t for her support and influence. “Of course...” I trailed off as our teacher officially started class, realizing it might be best for me to focus on what was being taught so I wouldn’t get further behind.

__

***

__

I hovered in the hall near Hyunjin’s locker as a steady stream of students passed by. This was normally where we met to walk over together for lunch. I’d asked to go to the bathroom during my last class, and slipped the letter in through the locker door slats when there was nobody around to see. So when she got her lunchbox, she’d see it. She’d see it, and she’d wonder who it was from, and she’d probably read it right on the spot, right in front of me. My heart was beating so hard and fast I could hear it in my ears. I actually had adrenaline, like I’d just run up a flight of stairs or something. I was damn near jittery, bouncing up and down on my heels to try and get rid of all this excess nervous energy. I didn’t want Hyunjin to notice it. 

__

That was when I spotted her. She was accompanied by Jungeun, who she had that class with, and once she got to her locker she decided to look around for me. Like usual. All of this was like usual, our normal routine, or at least it was for them. For me? God, everything felt totally different now, or at least like it was about to be. Once Hyunjin saw where I was, her beautiful face was lit up with one of her breathtakingly dazzling smiles. I forced myself to return it, ignoring how absolutely terrified I was about what was going to happen in a matter of seconds. I just let myself focus on those eyes I could stare at forever.

__

“Long time no see!” Hyunjin called out to me as she started to put the combination into her locker. I did my best to keep my face void of signs of stress and stepped over to her.

__

Jungeun leaned casually against the wall of lockers next to us, scrolling through her phone. I’d forgotten she’d be there. Yerim rushed forward out of nowhere like some sort of guardian angel, clasping onto the blonde’s hand and starting to tug her off down the hall.

__

“Jungeun-ah! Jiwoo wanted us to go the cafeteria as soon as we could!” The way her eyes flitted to me, I knew she was lying and just doing her best to give Hyunjin and I some privacy for whatever was about to happen. I gave her the slightest, most subtle nod in the world to show my appreciation, glad Hyunjin didn’t seem to notice. Jungeun just rolled her eyes before letting herself be led away.

__

Hyunjin looked after them with a raised eyebrow. “Hmm. Wonder what that’s about.”

__

My body was stiff as a statue. I clutched onto my notebook I held in my hands with white knuckles, doing my best to cope and act natural. If I was weird and stilted, I’d just wind up giving myself away. This would probably be one of the hardest things I’d ever have to do - pretend like I wasn’t about to have a nervous breakdown while she read what was essentially my innermost, hidden feelings conveyed in words.

__

“I dunno. Probably just Jiwoo being extra like normal.” I did my best to not flinch when she actually opened her locker door. My letter fell out clumsily, and she only just barely caught it with her honed reflexes.

__

“Oh! Wait, what the hell’s this?” She flipped it over, looking at the back, maybe for a signature or a sign of who it might’ve been from, but there was nothing. On purpose, obviously. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to respond or not. All I could hope was that I didn’t look like a deer in headlights, when that was all I felt like. I started to question everything as I watched her unfold that paper, wondering if this was a bad idea, if this was going to ruin us, if Hyunjin would see through it in an instant and know it was from me, if all of this was just stupid and corny and pointless.

__

I swallowed hard, “U-Um, it looks like a letter or something.” My mouth was dry, my throat tight. I resisted the urge to clear it as I watched her eyes flit across the words I’d written, taking her time, her brow furrowed the whole way through. “What does it say?” I muttered out, trying to sound indifferent and nonchalant. I had no idea how well it was working.

__

Hyunjin scoffed under her breath, folding it back up and placing it atop one of her textbooks inside her locker. She left me in dreadful, heartstopping suspense for a few more lingering moments before finally answering my question. “It’s some secret admirer thing? I guess.” She started laughing weakly, “Who the hell would write this? God, who’d even like me? I barely talk to anyone besides our stupid little group. Must be a prank or something...” She trailed off, really dismissing the whole gesture as if it were nothing. Did she really think that...?

__

I blinked, confused, wondering what on earth I should do now, what I was supposed to do, if I should even do anything or if that response was simply my answer. Did she actually think it was a prank? Did she actually think someone wrote all that, just for some sort of joke...? Or was she in denial or something? Was this her buried insecurity showing through, something I only ever saw a few times before? Did she not believe that someone could like her that way, so she assumed it was fake? That made my chest feel impossibly hollow, made me almost blurt out my confession in an instant, shower her with affection and validation and compliments, but I shouldn’t. I was just so confused, so conflicted.

__

The only thing I could think to say was a weak, quiet, “I don’t think it’s a prank.” At the very least, I wanted her to believe that someone could have feelings for her. I wanted her to believe that she was likeable, that there were probably people even besides me who admired her from afar, so she could be confident in herself like she so often pretended to be.

__

She shook her head, reaching in and taking the letter back out. She flipped it open again, her eyes skimming its contents as if trying to reevaluate why someone would’ve written it. My eyes lingered on the heart sticker that Yerim had used to hold it closed. It’d ripped in half when Hyunjin opened it. “Well whoever wrote it will have to write me another if they’re serious, because I’m not buying it.” She tossed it back in flippantly, like it was nothing. At this point I was just glad she didn’t throw it away.

__

“I...” Her eyes moved to me at the way I spoke up, and I just stared at her. Oops. My tone was too bleak. I injected some artificial normality into it in a damn near panic, “Um, it was probably for Valentine’s day, right?” I asked gently, trying my absolute best to believably play dumb.

__

She shrugged, grabbing her lunchbox and shutting her locker. “Well, if I remember right, Valentine’s day is tomorrow. Not today. So whoever wrote this is early and stupid.” She brushed past me as she headed down the hall, toward the cafeteria, and I couldn’t help but stare after her dumbly for a few lingering moments. This... hadn’t gone as I’d expected. None of the potential outcomes in my head were like this, and I was at a total loss here.

__

The only thing I knew, though, was that I was going to do this. If what she needed to believe that that letter was genuine was to get another one, then I’d write her another one. I wanted her to know. She deserved to know that people absolutely could and _did_ care about her romantically. If that was up to me, then sure. I’d do it.

__

I stuck to her heels, not daring to bring it up any further for fear of Hyunjin wondering why I was so interested in it and getting suspicious. She sat next to me at lunch, as per usual, and teased me and held our banter, as per usual. Everything was normal. Hyunjin seemed completely unaffected, she didn’t even find the letter notable enough to mention to the others, not even when there was a rare moment of dead air and silence. Yerim did try to shoot me a few prying looks, definitely wanting me to keep her posted like she’d asked earlier, but I couldn’t. Not now, in front of everybody. I picked at my food absentmindedly, zoning out, only ever snapped out of it when Hyunjin clasped my hand or jabbed at my side to tickle me and get on my nerves.

__

Thankfully, my feelings were so intense and overwhelming that I’d be more than able to write her another letter without it being repetitive. I could probably write an entire novel all about how her eyes sparkled when she laughed, or how she claimed double-knotting her sneakers was “for the weak.”

__

She came back home with me after school and did her best to help me study, but I was distracted the entire time. The damned letter was the _only_ thing I could think about, even with Hyunjin, the object of all of my potentially unrequited affection, sitting right in front of me with flashcards and a calculator.

__

I barely got any sleep that night. For once, she didn’t call me before she went to bed, which left a pit in my stomach that just wouldn’t go away.

__

***

__

The dejavu I had felt more foreboding than anything else as I stared at Hyunjin’s locker, knowing that my second letter was hidden inside it, right along with the first that she hadn’t moved. I was undergoing those same physical reactions, that same adrenaline, that same quickening heartbeat, that same terror that this would somehow change everything for the worse and needing to accept that it was my own fault if it did. I was the one who’d put myself in this situation, all with my own free will. Part of me wondered why I was even bothering, and another part of me knew that deep down, I was clinging to some childish hope. A hope that Hyunjin would read the letter, somehow know it was from me without needing to tell her, and the feelings would be mutual. But that just wasn’t likely. The rational part of me knew that. It had always known that, and it still did, as I stared at that locker, waiting for Hyunjin.

__

It took a few more minutes until she strolled down the hall, without Jungeun this time. I guess she had something else to do that day, I dunno, it was the furthest thing from my mind right then. Instead, I took a deep, long breath, hoping it’d alleviate the tightness in my chest, and stepped forward.

__

“Hello there!” Hyunjin greeted me with about the same level of enthusiasm as per usual. Like normal. Things were normal still. I let myself bask in that, the normality and routine, just in case it never felt like this again. I just shot her a smile, watching with bated breath as she quickly opened her locker again.

__

The letter didn’t fall out this time. But I could tell from the way her face changed that she spotted it. Her brow furrowed in genuine confusion for a quick, fleeting moment, before she reached forward and pulled it out. “Are you kidding? There’s another one!” She seemed... amused? Oh no, did she _still_ think it was a joke? It was actually Valentine’s day. And I’d made sure to _literally_ sign this letter with “your secret admirer,” just to shove it even further down her throat so there was no room for misunderstanding. 

__

I wasn’t sure what I should say, not quite understanding how I was supposed to interpret her response. “See? Told you they were serious...” I trailed off, watching as she unfolded the new letter and read it through. She took her time. More time than the first. Maybe because she was taking it seriously now...? Or at least more so than before? She thought it wasn’t a joke now, she was giving it serious consideration?

__

Finally, after what must’ve been a solid minute and a half, she nodded slowly to herself. “Huh. I guess they are.” Out of nowhere, Hyunjin spun around suddenly, looking toward the other students bustling around the hallway at our backs. She held the letter in her hand still, and suddenly reached her hand up in the air, waving it around and shouting loud enough so everyone couldn’t help but look. “WHOEVER WROTE THESE LOVE LETTERS BETTER TELL ME WHO YOU ARE, HOW’RE WE GONNA DATE IF I DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME?”

__

My eyes widened from her sudden outburst, and I couldn’t help but surge closer, clasping my hand over her mouth, despite her already having made a huge commotion. She chuckled against my palm, still clearly getting some sort of kick out of this. My heart was in my throat and I was blushing so hard my ears probably turned red. “Shh! Oh my god...”

__

She grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away, looking at me with feigned innocence. “What?? I wanna know!” She was still laughing to herself. Instead of putting the letters back in her locker, though, she unexpectedly unzipped her backpack and slid them inside. Oh? She was keeping them? What for? Did she want to read them over more, later? Or something? I was so confused, how was I supposed to take any of this?

__

I raised an eyebrow at her, not sure how I even wanted her to answer the question that made its way past my lips. “Why? Will you actually date them...?”  
  


She shrugged, shutting her locker and leaning against it. She tilted her head at me adorably, my heart fluttering in that familiar, Hyunjin-induced way. “Probably.”

__

I stared at her with wides eye. “Really?” I almost didn’t want to believe this. Didn’t want to let myself believe this, in case there was some sort of catch.

  
“Yeah. Why not?” Was she really that indifferent about potentially starting a relationship? Or was she just more genuinely flattered about the sentimentality in the letters than she was letting on? I didn’t know.

__

Was this it...? Was she trying to let on that she knew I wrote them, and was she trying to tell me that she’d date me if I just came forward? Or what...? Was the ball in my court now? Was I supposed to confess? Was she serious or was she still joking? I was getting lost in her eyes again. My affection was swelling so tangibly in my chest, it was like my heart was about to burst. “Um...” How would I even say it...? What should I say?

__

She shot me another one of her trademark, stunning smiles, before sighing happily and adding something else on. “I hope he’s at least cute, though.”

__

Oh. _Oh_. It felt like my whole world had just fallen out from beneath my feet. My face fell. I couldn’t help it, there was no way I could contain that reaction. I stared at her. Of course. Why had I even thought she meant me, why would I ever assume that she’d think a girl wrote these, what were the odds of that? Girls didn’t like girls. Not like that. Or at least Hyunjin would never assume so, why would she? That wasn’t the default, it was a rarity. An exception. I didn’t blame her, of course I didn’t, I just... I knew I shouldn’t have done this. I’d gotten my hopes up, and now they were gone, and it felt like I’d lost everything. My chest hurt.

__

I couldn’t help the way my whole body seemed to deflate. I did my best to hide it, but I don’t think I was being too subtle. Honestly? I hardly cared. Not when it felt like everything was ending. “Um... yeah. I’m sure he is.” It felt like I’d just ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it myself, saying that aloud. A guy hadn’t written that. _I’d_ written that. _Me_. It left such a bitter taste in my mouth to try and even imply that some random guy could’ve written all those intense, deep emotions. Hyunjin didn’t even talk to any guys, at least not to my knowledge. “He has good taste, anyway.” I dared to add on, forcing the best smile I could manage onto my face.

__

“Awww, Heejin.” She smiled at me sweetly, before suddenly leaning closer and placing a brief kiss on my cheek. Just a peck, really, but it caught me so off guard. I felt all the life come back into me in an instant from that contact. She’d never done that before. Ever. My eyes widened and my cheeks turned beet red. I couldn’t help it. I was totally stunned, practically speechless. She clasped my hand and walked toward the cafeteria with me in tow. “And what about you, Heekkie? Do you have any secret admirers leaving you notes on this oh so romantic holiday?”

__

My eyes were burning with tears. I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. It didn’t work. I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to sit through lunch with her. “No...”

__

She scoffed indignantly, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer to her. “That doesn’t make any sense, you’re a catch! Don’t worry, I’m sure some guy’ll come to his senses and you’ll find a bouquet of roses in your locker some day.”

__

She had no idea what she was doing to me. I didn’t _want_ “some guy” to come along, I wanted _her_. I _just_ wanted her, I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything, I cared about her so much, and she didn’t catch it. It went totally over her head. This was just a waste of time and effort. I hated this. I hated having to pretend like I didn’t like Hyunjin way more than a friend, and I was worried I just wouldn’t be able to do it much longer.

__

***

__

Days went by. Things were just like normal. Hyunjin treated me the same, our routines didn’t change, I still helped her with her training and she still gave me unasked for piggyback rides all around town. I passed my math test by nothing short of a miracle, and when I’d told her she’d lifted me off my feet and spun me in endless circles until the both of us were dizzy. Then she wouldn’t stop bragging about what a good study buddy she was. She started calling me every night again, but instead of letting the conversations drag on, I’d cut them short.

__

It just hurt. Being around her made me _so_ upset, but she was probably my best friend of everyone in our group, so of course she was gonna want to be around me. I’d nearly started to avoid her. Just for some peace, but even that didn’t work because she never left my mind. It was like I couldn’t escape, but then I wondered if I even _wanted_ to escape it, because I liked the fluttery feeling I’d get in my chest from her laugh, I liked when she’d hold me close for those brief moments in the mornings before school, I liked feeling like she trusted me more than other people. I liked certain parts of our closeness. But what I hated about it was the _constant_ reminder of my unrequited feelings, that this closeness was all we’d ever be. The whole love letter fiasco only made all my emotions stronger somehow, which was the opposite of what I thought would happen. They were still there, just as intense as ever, and I _hated_ them. I just wished they’d go away. That’d make everything so much easier. There wouldn’t be all this hidden _pain_.

__

Sometimes I’d go to Yerim’s house just to be with someone who knew what I was going through, and she’d do her best to distract me and lighten my mood so I could forget for a few fleeting moments. Every now and then she’d try to get me to talk about it, but that just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t.

__

As time dragged on, I was doing my best to suppress it. That was all I realized could do, really, since avoiding her seemed more like an unfair punishment to me than a solution to my problems. I’d aggressively shut down any daydreams about Hyunjin, I didn’t let myself stare into her eyes and get lost there, I withdrew faster from hugs and I didn’t go out of my way to clasp her hand if it was ever in reach. Part of me wondered if she noticed the way I was distancing myself, if she missed how affectionate I used to be. She wasn’t changing how she acted, though, so I don’t think she cared. Sometimes I wondered if she cared about me at all.

__

But everything changed one day.

__

A week or so after the whole letter situation, our group was sitting at our lunch table and chatting like usual. Sometimes I’d jump in and add something, but most of the time I just sat and didn’t make any comments, letting myself zone out and look at the other students in the cafeteria, just wanting a distraction from Hyunjin who sat close at my side. That was when I noticed a group of boys at a nearby table that wouldn’t stop shooting us glances.

__

I did my best not to glare at them. They were troublemakers and definitely not the brightest bunch. One of them was a self-proclaimed class clown, but all he really did was disrupt class and waste time. That wasn’t too funny, if you asked me. Being needlessly loud wasn’t funny. I shot them a look that wordlessly told them to stop their blatant staring, but one of them just winked at me. Ew. I felt sick to my stomach.

__

“Ugh.” I sneered and looked back to the girls, a much prettier sight than all that testosterone.

__

Jungeun raised an eyebrow at me, “What’re you groaning about?”

__

“Those guys are staring at us. It’s gross.” I told them, wondering if they’d find it suspicious that I seemed so openly disgusted by boys. I hadn’t even considered that before I’d spoken. Uh-oh. I hoped they didn’t see through me.

__

Yerim suppressed a laugh. I think she was trying to cover for me a little bit. “Oh they’re harmless.”

__

Surprisingly, Chaewon sneered too. “Ew. I agree with Heejin, they are gross.”

__

Jiwoo shrugged slightly, “Wonder why they’re staring, though. They’ve never so much as glanced at us before...” She tried to be discrete and sneak a look at them over her shoulder but failed miserably. Once she was caught she just shot them one of her well-intentioned Jiwoo smiles.

__

Jungeun jabbed at her with her elbow, “Don’t encourage them.”

__

Jiwoo pouted, “What? I was just trying to be nice.”

__

“Sometimes you’ve gotta be cold and distant, Jiwoo.” Hyunjin told the girl, pointing a stern finger at her. “I can teach you if you want. I’ve almost perfected it so that nobody besides you guys approaches me.” She said that like it was her goal.

__

I rolled my eyes at her, “Oh yeah, Kim Hyunjin, the ‘cold and distant’ girl who cries whenever she watches Totoro--” She punched my thigh with enough force for me to stop, a smug smile making its way to my face as she stared at me in disbelief.

__

“You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone that!” She pretended to be angry at my minor betrayal, trying her best to manage a convincing glare. I couldn’t help but notice the little crease she’d get between her eyebrows whenever they furrowed together like that. I snapped at myself in my head, trying to shut down those old habits.

__

I shrugged, “I can’t help but expose you when you give me such golden opportunities--” My words were cut off by her hands shooting forward and tickling suddenly at my side. I yelped, nearly jumping from my seat to get away, but she instead wrapped an arm firmly around my waist and held me in place so I couldn’t escape. Pure torture, really.

__

Jungeun tilted her head at the scene, “Should we intervene? Heejin looks like she needs help.” She said that, but all she did was take another bite of her sandwich.

__

Jiwoo giggled, “Nah, I like seeing Heejin laugh like this. Even if it’s against her will.”

__

Wow, some friends I had. My lungs were starting to hurt from all this induced laughter, and finally, I managed to grab both of her wrists. She stopped, instead meeting my eyes, and it was only then that I noticed how close we were. Oh. I froze, my smile sliding straight from my face, but the weird thing was that hers did too. It was like we both realized at the same time that we were practically inches away from each other, that I could feel her breath on my lips and that she was just so _close_ and she wasn’t backing up, if anything I could’ve sworn she edged closer--

__

“One of them’s coming over!” Yerim whispered under her breath discreetly. Hyunjin blinked twice, as if snapping herself out of something she hadn’t expected to fall into, and finally released her grip on me. Yerim was referring to the boys from before. We all collectively tensed up from her warning. I let my gaze wander for just a second to see which one got up. It was Hansol. A pretty forgettable guy. I’d needed to wrack my brain just to remember his name.

__

Jungeun jabbed at Jiwoo’s side again, “See? You dope, now they think we like them or something.”

__

Jiwoo feigned genuine injury, “It wasn’t my fault!” She sounded uncertain of her statement.

__

“Shhh, stop your suspicious whispering he’s like right here!” Chae added on in her own rushed, suspicious whisper before straightening her posture to an odd extent and eating her food with a comically forced nonchalance.

__

Hansol finally reached our table to find us in a strange bout of silence - something our group of friends was rather unfamiliar with. He looked sheepish, his hands shoved deep into his pockets and his eyes not quite meeting any of ours. He was gangly and pale, with an unimpressive frame and unremarkable features. He had glasses balanced precariously at the end of his nose, and I wasn’t sure if they were for vision or fashion, nor did I care. I just wanted him to go away back to his cronies, so I could do my best to try and process that strange moment Hyunjin and I had just shared.

__

“Can we help you with something?” Yerim finally spoke up when Hansol had awkwardly stood next to the table for a solid minute without saying a word.

__

He flinched, pushing his glasses up, “Oh! U-Um, I...” His eyes moved up from the floor for the first time and they fixed right on Hyunjin. My brow furrowed slightly and I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Hyunjin?”

__

She raised an eyebrow, sounding a little curious about what this guy was even here for. I would’ve been more than content if he just left with no explanation. “Yeah?”

__

He cleared his throat and stood up straighter, jutting his chin out slightly. It almost looked like he was puffing out his chest, too, which was funny considering how little meat he had on him. Hyunjin could probably break every bone in his body before he had a chance to clench his fists. What the hell was he doing?

__

“Hyunjin, I’m coming forward as your secret admirer.”

__

My whole word was pulled out from underneath me.

__

What? _What?_ Was he serious? Was he really claiming it was him, right in front of me? My jaw literally dropped and I couldn’t help it. This couldn’t be real. It would just be too damn cruel to be real.

__

The rest of the table was stunned too. I wasn’t even sure if Hyunjin had mentioned the secret admirer thing to any of them, so they may’ve been totally in the dark. Hyunjin blinked, tilting her head at Hansol.

__

_Please don’t believe him. Please don’t believe him_. I thought the silent prayer in my head desperately over and over again, clenching both of my hands into white knuckled fists beneath the table. Yerim was sitting across from me and I felt her kick my leg ever so slightly, probably wanting me to look at her, but I couldn’t manage it. I just stared down this kid, this _nothing_ kid that was _lying_ to Hyunjin.

__

“Uhh... do I know you?” Hyunjin asked. I couldn’t read her tone, despite how badly I wanted to. I think she may’ve sounded confused more than anything else. Maybe she’d forgotten about the whole secret admirer thing, it’d been a solid week. At the very least I don’t think she expected anyone to come forward, let alone this guy.

__

He nodded slightly, his contrived confident stance starting to falter. “U-Um, yes! I’m Hansol! We had chemistry together... I sat behind you.” There was a pause, as if he expected her to recognize him, but she clearly didn’t. She tilted her head slightly and narrowed her eyes, but said nothing. He shifted his weight from foot to foot nervously, “I-I came to ask you on a, uh, yaknow, a date.”

__

My already balled up fists only clenched even further, so tight it hurt. My nails left indents on my palms, almost breaking the skin as I started to shake. My blood was _boiling_. I don’t think I’ve ever been more angry and frustrated in my life while I was forced to just sit and _watch_ this. I bit my lower lip, needing to do that just to keep my mounting rage inside me. What could I do? Call his bluff, right in front of everyone and essentially come out to my whole school in the process? Potentially ruin things with Hyunjin? No, I couldn’t. Of course I couldn’t. I felt so _helpless_.

__

Hyunjin chuckled slightly and I felt a small spark of hope light in my chest. Maybe she didn’t believe him? Or she wasn’t into him at all? I stole a quick glance at Yerim and she had that same cautious hope there that I did, hidden in her eyes.

__

“A date, huh?” The cocky smirk Hyunjin had on her face was absolutely melting my heart. Hansol’s only response was a timid nod. Hyunjin took a deep breath and reached to her backpack, ripping off a corner of a notebook page and grabbing a pen. What was she doing? I watched her every move with what was probably an excessive amount of attention. “Alright Hansol.” My heart shattered. It just... _broke_ , I can’t think of any other way to describe it. I watched with glossy eyes as she jotted what I recognized as her phone number onto the piece of paper and held it out to him. This couldn’t be happening. “Here’s my number. Go back to your little crew and text me the details about this ‘date.’”

__

Hansol nodded vigorously, even bowing a little bit before retreating back to his table, holding up the scrap of paper like it was a piece of solid gold. The gesture was met with whoops and hollers from his buddies and I felt like I was losing my mind. That’d really just happened. That’d _really_ just happened. I stared down at the table and fought back the tears, my jaw still dropped.

__

“Wow, uh, what the hell was that?” Jungeun spoke up first, which prompted a chorus of overlapping exclamations from all the others.

__

“Who?? Why didn’t I know you had a secret admirer? Unacceptable??” Jiwoo insisted indignantly.

__

“Oh my goodness where is he gonna take you on this date?? You have a ‘date!’ Hyunjin I think you’re the first person in our group to ever have a date!!” Chaewon clapped excitedly.

__

Yerim stayed quiet - something she almost never did - but the others were too preoccupied to notice. She stared at me, at the way tears must’ve visibly clung to my eyelashes at that point, and I knew she wanted to help, but how could she? How could anyone? It felt like my whole world just crumbled into shards around me while I’d sat and watched it happen.

__

“Calm down, calm down. Don’t get all excited.” Hyunjin tried to reign the three exceptionally excitable girls in a bit. I refused to look at her, not wanting anyone else to notice my distress if I could help it. “I mean he is kinda cute, but we’ll see how it goes.”

__

I stood up. I couldn’t be there. Everyone looked at me from the sudden motion and I let some of my hair fall into my face so they couldn’t see how glossy my eyes were. Hyunjin clasped my hand for a second and the contact felt like a punch to the gut. I pulled away almost too roughly, taking a step back from the table and muttering the weakest of explanations so they wouldn’t follow me.

  
“I-I have to pee.” I started frantically walking away, keeping my head dipped low so nobody would see the way my lip was quivering.

__

Yerim stood up too, trying to cover for me by acting like this was more normal than it was. “Me too! I’ll come with you.” I heard her speak up from behind me, but I was already halfway out of the cafeteria. She caught up quickly and linked her arm with mine, speaking in a low tone. “Where do you want to go?”

__

“I don’t know.” It was true, I really didn’t know. My vision was getting blurred by hot tears and I was still clenching my fists from how _angry_ I was. That _prick_ , that absolute _prick_. He was lying to Hyunjin. She probably never would’ve agreed to that date if he hadn’t claimed to have written those letters. I felt like I was going to explode, there was so much unfiltered rage in me that had nowhere to go, but it was coupled with this burning, gut wrenching _hopelessness_ that made me so spiteful toward the world and the cruel sense of irony it had.

__

“We can go to a bathroom. Okay?” She waited for a response but I couldn’t manage one. My breaths were getting short and labored. I’d never felt so awful in my entire life and I had no idea how to cope. She tugged me closer to her protectively, “We’re going to a bathroom, just hang in there...”

__

I nearly laughed at that sentiment. “Hang in there.” As if. It felt like everything was just... wrong, and it would never be right again, and deep down it was worse because it was my fault. If I hadn’t written those letters, Hansol probably wouldn’t have come forward at all. I’d practically handed this opportunity to him on a silver platter. This had happened because of me, and I had no idea how to fix it or if I even could.

__

Yerim pulled me gently inside the relative privacy of one of the bathrooms, checking briefly to make sure there were no other girls in any of the stalls before devoting her absolute full attention to me and my distress. She gently clasped both of my arms, looking at me hard.

__

“Heejin? Hey, so... that was a lot.” She didn’t know what to do and neither did I.

__

“That _asshole_.” I muttered through clenched teeth, trying to let my anger overpower the devastation that I felt. Anger was easier to deal with than depressing, bleak hopelessness. I glared intensely, shaking her loose grip off and instead starting to pace. Yerim stayed put, simply watching me, “I-I can’t _believe_ this! He _lied_ to Hyunjin!!”

__

Yerim nodded readily in agreement, “I was so mad.”

__

“I’m gonna _kill_ him, I _swear_.” Part of me really almost wanted to. I wondered just how satisfying it would be to punch him in his weaselly face.

__

Yerim stepped a bit closer, probably thrown off by my uncharacteristic rage. I didn’t really get mad like this, I’d had no reason to. “Whoa, let’s not kill anybody if we can help it, even if they are a lying scumbag.” That was probably the meanest thing I’d ever heard Yerim say, and I appreciated the sentiment so much.

__

“Now they’re gonna go on a date!! A _date_!!” Saying it aloud and solidifying the reality of it made me feel so ill I thought I might vomit. That was barely an exaggeration, my stomach had actually started to hurt from all of this. “ _She’s_ gonna go on a date. With _him_. A _date_.”

__

Yerim just nodded again, “You said that already...”

__

“I can’t believe this. I really can’t believe this. He’s taking credit for what _I_ wrote!! I, that’s, what a _dick!_ ” I stomped my foot as if that would somehow help, though it did nothing of the sort. The tears in my eyes finally started to trail down my cheeks but they were more from frustration than anything else. Yerim stepped closer at the sight of them regardless of their source. “They’re gonna be together. I’m gonna have to see them, together, Yerim, and I don’t know if I can do that.”

__

“Hey, it’s just one date. You don’t know that they’ll be a couple!” She tried to think positively about this, but it was such an awful situation I wasn’t sure how she could. I think even she was having a harder time than normal. She sighed lightly, “I think you should tell her the truth.”

__

I sniffled, wiping my tears away angrily with my balled up fists. “What?”

__

“If you just tell her that you wrote them, she’ll drop Hansol and go for you instead!” The timid smile coming to her face was weak. She knew I’d reject the idea, but she figured she’d try.

__

“She’s _straight_ , Yerim. Did you not just see how she responded to Hansol?? A _guy_. She’s not gay, I was stupid for ever thinking she could be, I’m so _dumb_ I should never have written those letters in the first place, _god_.” I buried my hands into my hair and clasped at my skull, the endless conflicting thoughts running through it nearly giving me a headache.

__

Yerim was relatively unconvinced, “What if she’s bi?” I just groaned at her persistent optimism, not at all in a state to even begin to consider it feasible. I felt like the world was just too cruel to give me that, when it seemed to be quite staunchly against me. Yerim stepped closer again, still watching me pace. “I saw that little moment you two had, before Hansol came over.” Her words made me stop dead in my tracks. She had...? That wasn’t just me? “Heejin, I’m not just trying to be optimistic here, even though that’s sort of my job. I _actually_ believe that she likes you, but she just might not know it yet.”

__

I shook my head. I wouldn’t let myself believe it. My eyes burned.

__

Yerim didn’t stop trying to get through to me, though. “Didn’t it take you a while to realize you liked her?” That was true. And once I’d realized it, I understood that I actually had liked her for longer than I thought, I just didn’t know what to call it, or some deeply rooted part of me wouldn’t let me address it for what it really was. It... wasn’t _impossible_ that Hyunjin was in the same boat I’d been in once. But I just... wouldn’t let myself believe it.

__

“It doesn’t matter. None of this matters, I need to just forget it.” I ran my hands down my face, trying to stop the endless stream of tears. “But _god_ I can’t forget it, Yerim, I-I can’t forget it, it’s _always_ there, no matter what, I’m so _stupid_ why can’t I just let this go?”

__

“Hey, _stop_ that.” She grabbed both of my hands, her tone startlingly firm. “You aren’t stupid. You really really liked Hyunjin, and it takes a long time to get over things like this. You’re _normal._ This is normal, and I know that it sucks and I’m _so_ sorry you’re going through this, but I’ll be here for you okay? The whole time, whenever you need.” She spoke to me slowly and deliberately, so that I wouldn’t mishear a single word she said.

__

I sniffled and shook my head some more. “I’m so tired, Yerim. I’m so sick of all this, and now it’s even _worse_.” I could barely deal with it before. God, I wasn’t ready for it to get worse.

__

When she took me into her arms, I let myself be held. “I know. I’m sorry.”

__

We stayed in that bathroom for the rest of lunch, and she didn’t let me go or say another word. I tried to cry all my frustrations out but it helped less than I would’ve liked. A few other girls came and went from the bathroom but I couldn’t care less and neither did Yerim. Getting prying glances from random girls at school was the absolute least of my concerns now.

__

***

__

They got together. Despite all of Yerim’s optimism and hopefulness, they got together after all. After their first date that apparently went “pretty well,” according to Hyunjin’s bland recap of the events, he asked to be her boyfriend and she said yes. She’d told us that at lunch, and I didn’t have it in me to flee like I had the last time. Yerim sat at my side and held my hand out of view beneath the table. I don’t know how I kept my composure through that, but I did somehow. Nobody would’ve suspected that was the most devastating news she ever could’ve given me.

__

I needed to see Yerim almost every day, just to yell out my frustrations to her. We referred to Hansol as the “worthless liar” so frequently and flippantly that I actually let it slip once when I was in class with Chaewon. She’d asked who I was referring to and I just brushed it off like it was nothing, and the easily distracted girl thankfully didn’t pry any further.

__

Hyunjin still wanted to see me. She still wanted to hangout, but he would just be with us more than half the time. It was awful. He was dopey, but he made her laugh. He was taller than her and whenever he hugged her she’d tuck her head into his chest. I _hated_ it. I almost felt like I was betraying Hyunjin somehow, by not telling her the truth about Hansol. That he was a cowardly liar who was taking advantage of someone else’s feelings, _my_ feelings, no less. That this whole relationship was founded on a lie. But I wasn’t sure if I should ruin it. She seemed happy. Shouldn’t that be all I wanted, for her to be happy? Of course I wanted her that. But the _jealousy_ was so _suffocating_ I could hardly breathe when I was around them.

__

I cried more than I’d like to admit, but it didn’t even help anything, so what was the point? What was the point of any of it? Why couldn’t I just move on? Why did it feel like someone had reached their hand inside my chest and stuck a knife through my heart whenever Hyunjin so much as mentioned Hansol’s name?

__

On the rare occasions that I did get to hangout with Hyunjin alone, it was so bittersweet. It just reminded me of how infatuated I still was with her, how hopelessly enamored I was and would always be. Suppression wasn’t working and avoidance wasn’t working, so the only real thing I could do was try and accept it and find a way to live that wasn’t so borderline unbearable.

__

Yerim still wanted me to tell Hyunjin the truth. She never wavered from that position, and despite how frustrated it would make me she also didn’t hesitate to reiterate her stance on the matter almost every time I brought it up. She was thoroughly convinced it would only result in good things, but I just didn’t understand that. Did she not see that Hyunjin seemed content with Hansol? Who was I to throw a wrench in that? If it didn’t go well, if I told her that he lied, what if she didn’t care? What if she still wanted to be with him, and on top of that she felt betrayed for me not telling her sooner? What if she distanced herself even further from me than she already had? I couldn’t put my faith in confessing. I just didn’t have the capacity to, because if my life got any worse than it already was I just didn’t know what I’d do.

__

We were at the track the day before her tryouts. They’d gotten pushed back a few times now, leaving her in suspense but also giving her more time to practice. More time for me to help her. I stared at the stopwatch I loosely held, at the hands of the clock as it ticked by. Hansol was sitting at my side, watching his girlfriend as she ran. It made me feel sick sometimes, the way he looked at her.

__

“Think she’ll get in?” He dared to speak up and ask me. I was surprised, since I was only ever hostile to him. He’d basically given up on trying to talk to me. This whole practice session had been filled with dead air up until that strange question.

__

“What?” I looked at him with the subtle sneer I could never quite keep back at the sound of his nasally voice.

__

He was immune to it by that point and met my eyes without hesitation, “Think she’ll get in? That the team will take her?”

__

I scoffed at even the notion of her not being accepted, as if that was possible. “Of course. What, you think she won’t?”

__

He shrugged and I suppressed a literal glare. He really doubted her? That was the absolute last thing Hyunjin needed, too. She had enough of her own self-doubt, she didn’t need any more from her boyfriend. Maybe they weren’t close enough for him to see through her shield of feigned confidence and cockiness. That was probably it. Still, though, he could at least _pretend_ to be supportive.

__

“Dunno. It’s a pretty competitive team to get on.” He scratched at the back of his neck, a nervous tick I noticed he had that I started to subconsciously despise.

__

“I guess, but she’s been training nonstop. I know, I’ve been here for all of it. Unlike you.” That was probably the most blatantly mean thing I’d ever said to him, but I didn’t care. I was past caring. Hyunjin’s laps were almost done. I held my thumb over the stop button, ready to cut the timer as soon as her feet passed that line.

__

He chuckled weakly, “You really don’t like me, huh?” I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say to that, so I just stayed silent and stared straight ahead. “That’s fine. But we should at least be civil.”

__

“And why’s that?” I snapped at him maybe a bit too harshly.

__

“Cuz I’m dating your best friend sooo...” I did _not_ appreciate the sassiness to his tone, and I was damn near about to punch him like I’d so often fantasized doing, but I kept it all in. Just like always.

__

I left him hanging for a few seconds before spitting out a dismissive “Whatever.” Hyunjin crossed that line and I stopped the timer, at her side in an instant with water bottle in hand. Hansol put on his “I’m-near-Hyunjin” face, which was unlike his normal one. It’s hard to explain, but he just seemed so disingenuine. Maybe it was because I knew he was dirty liar taking credit for something that he knew wasn’t his. It was probably that. But on top of it, the fact that he seemed to act like a totally different person when he was around Hyunjin just didn’t sit right with me.

__

Hyunjin snatched the water from me with a grateful nod, taking a few long sips before asking something between heavy breaths, “Time?”

__

I flipped the stopwatch toward her so she could see the time there, letting myself smile widely at her. I didn’t get why I was so proud. Maybe because I’d been with her through this whole thing? Or maybe it was just because of my feelings. Either way, whenever she succeeded it sort of felt like I did too. “4:05.”

__

Hansol shrugged slightly, “Almost the same as last time. I think you’ve hit a bit of a plateau.” He said that like it was disappointing. What, did he expect her time to improve by ten seconds every time she ran the track? God he was such an idiot. Hyunjin’s smile faded ever so slightly, and that was enough to make my blood boil.

__

It took every ounce of willpower in my body to prevent me from being as petty as I really wanted, instead just letting my smile slide from my face. “Yeah, but it’s a really really impressive plateau that took weeks to get to.” I didn’t keep any of my snark or distaste for him from my tone, and Hyunjin noticed. She looked at me, visibly disheartened still. “You did great.” I told her in a soft, gentle voice, a drastic change from how I’d just spoken to Hansol.

__

He jumped to counteract his earlier comment, as if realizing that it hadn’t been very encouraging. “Of course you did great! I didn’t mean to say that you didn’t do great--”

__

“--You sort of did, though.” I cut him off and he shut right up.

__

Hyunjin looked between the two of us over and over again. It was impossible not to notice the tension. This was probably a weird position for her, and I was sorry I’d put her in it, but I just couldn’t be around Hansol to the extent I had been lately. I saw him way more than I’d like to and my patience thinned more with every interaction. It was hanging on by a thread by that point. I always felt moments away from losing my temper, but I kept it in for Hyunjin’s sake.

__

“Alright, uh... I think that’s enough practice for today. It’s getting dark.” She started to gather up her things but Hansol clumsily rushed to help her. Unnecessary. It made me feel gross the way he treated Hyunjin as less capable than she was. I swear it annoyed her too, because the courteous smile she shot him was forced. She slung her backpack onto her shoulders, only for Hansol to shake his head and take it from her. Wow, how chivalrous. I rolled my eyes out of view of the two of them. Hyunjin faltered for a second too, but said nothing about it. “Big day tomorrow, huh?” She was nervous, anxious from the anticipation.

__

“You’re gonna get in. Absolutely no doubt about it.” I told her something I knew she needed to hear.

__

She laughed weakly, “You _say_ that...”

__

“I’m serious.” I clasped her hand and made her meet my eyes, “I just know it’ll happen. Okay? I know it.”

__

She shook her head slightly, “You can’t ‘know’ I’ll get in.”

__

“Yes I can, because I paid off the coach to guarantee you a spot.” I shot her a wink and she playfully shoved my shoulder, but I’d gotten a real smile out of her and that was all I wanted.

__

“With what money? You’re broke as hell!” I missed this effortless banter we had. It’d been getting less and less frequent. Hansol usually tried to interject which just ruined the flow.

__

“I may be broke but I’m also resourceful. Might not’ve gotten all the money legally, but I got it and that’s all that matters in the end.” I joked, loving the way her smile was lingering.

__

Right when her lips parted to shoot another charming quip back at me, Hansol stepped closer with his looming gangly form and interrupted, “Wait, did you actually bribe the coach?”

__

Hyunjin and I both went dead silent. I looked at him, thoroughly unamused, while Hyunjin just shut her eyes for a moment with what sounded like an exhausted sigh. She took a step back from me, “Yes, Hansol, don’t you know Heejin is a notorious criminal? She’s actually one of the most wanted people in the country and she has a huge bounty on her head. We should probably turn her in and collect the reward, huh?”

__

He frowned and shook his head, “Now you’re just teasing me.”

__

She let out an exaggerated gasp, “Tease you?? I would never!”

__

Hansol didn’t like getting teased. He got all sulky about it, which was just ridiculous. He always got quiet and wouldn’t say anything until Hyunjin reluctantly apologized for it, which she thankfully didn’t do right then. Instead, she turned her attention back to me, “So, I’ll see you tomorrow right? Gotta have my coach cheering me on!”

__

“Of course.” I told her softly, wanting to hug her goodbye but ultimately deciding against it. Hansol was already walking toward the parking lot where his car was, not even gracing me with a goodbye. That was fine, the less I had to talk to him and look at his stupid face, the better.

__

Hyunjin noticed the way he was already walking and clearly felt pressured to leave too, so she started to. I stood in my spot, staring after the two of them. My chest was still enduring that vague, subtle pain that it always had when I was around the couple. It usually took a few hours for it to go away afterward.

__

Hyunjin stopped in her tracks suddenly, and I vaguely heard her say to Hansol, “Just a sec, I forgot something!” He kept going while she turned on her heel and rushed back to me. I looked around, wondering what she’d left, but she’d taken all her stuff. What had she forgotten...?

__

The next second I was wrapped tightly in strong, familiar arms. God, I couldn’t remember the last time we’d hugged. I couldn’t restrain how desperately I clung to her, not even caring if she noticed. I hid my face in her shoulder and just let myself enjoy this, not thinking about all the sadness surrounding the situation and instead focusing on her steady breathing.

__

After what must’ve been a solid thirty seconds, she pulled back but didn’t go far. I couldn’t read the expression on her face, partially because it was unfamiliar and partially because I was too distracted by how _stunning_ she was. I never got used to it.

__

“Sorry. I just... I needed that.” She told me weakly.

__

I had so many questions. Why had she needed that? Why hadn’t she just done it sooner? Was she okay? Why was she apologizing for it? I didn’t have a chance to ask any of them, because whatever conversation we could’ve tried to have was interrupted by an obnoxiously loud car horn coming from the nearby parking lot. We both jumped slightly from the sudden noise and Hyunjin groaned in frustration. It was Hansol. I looked over at him, not surprised to see him laughing to himself like an idiot from his stupid antics.

__

“I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Her voice was lackluster and hollow. I hated the sound of it, but before I could clasp her hand and potentially ask her about what was wrong, she was already walking off.

__

I didn’t follow her.

__

***

__

The tryouts were held at the school who the team belonged to, in another part of the city. My parents dropped me off, and I wandered around a bit before I found the track field. My phone was blown up with texts from Hyunjin giving me rather unhelpful instructions on how to find the track field, broken up with stream of consciousness texts like “oof I’m nervous Heekkie >.<” and “i didn’t even drink coffee this morning what if i pass out on the track omg”. It was a lot to try and coherently respond to, but I did my best.

__

I’d gotten her a flower. It was probably stupid. To most people this day wouldn’t be qualified as groundbreaking or anything, but because of how hard we’d worked for so long, I felt like it was warranted. It was a sunflower, her favorite. It was just one, nothing big like a bouquet or anything. I hoped she’d like it, and that it was still her favorite. Familiar butterflies were buzzing around my chest as I headed to the bleachers.

__

There weren’t many people there, and there weren’t even that many athletes trying out. So it wasn’t hard for me to spot Hansol, sticking out like a sore thumb at the lowest bleacher row there. He was on his phone, not even looking at Hyunjin as she did warm-up stretches by the starting line. I wondered if I was expected to sit next to him. God I’d rather die. Deciding to be kind to myself for once, I opted to sit in the same row, just way further down with a few people between us. If he noticed I’d just claim I hadn’t seen him.

__

Hyunjin looked up and around at the bleachers. The tryouts were gonna start soon. In a matter of seconds. I’d gotten there frustratingly late. This was her last chance to check the bleachers. Her gaze went to the distracted Hansol, who she simply shook her head at, but then she spotted me. Her face lit up like a beacon, beaming so brightly with her sparkling white teeth and those little canines, and I couldn’t help but grin right back at her. I waved at her enthusiastically, pointing at the sunflower I still held. She looked so pleasantly surprised, resting her hand on her heart. Good, she knew I was there. She knew I’d be cheering her on the whole way through, just like always.

__

The coach called it, and the girls started running. Hyunjin was faster than the others. Not by a lot or anything, but by a pretty notable bit consistently for the whole race. I took out my phone and actually kept track of the time myself, wanting to know, wanting to be able to tell her how well I knew she would do. There were scattered cheers of encouragement from the people who did show up to support their friends or family, and I of course chipped in. I didn’t hear Hansol cheer, though. Unsurprising.  
  


She passed that finish line and I stopped my timer. 4:03. That was literally her best time yet, a personal record. I couldn’t believe this, I was so incredibly proud of her. I was damn near giddy, God I felt like Yerim. Hyunjin was totally wiped. She hunched over, trying to catch her breath. Damn, I wished I’d brought a water bottle that I could’ve given her. Unfortunately, Hansol had thought ahead. He rushed to her side with a bottle in hand and she nodded at him, taking a few swigs. I stayed in my seat for a second, always needing to emotionally brace myself before I got too close to them as a couple.

__

He wrapped her in his arms and she stiffened at first, clearly not having expected it. The hug only lasted for a second but it still hit me right in the gut. I sighed to myself, keeping it together and forcing myself to my feet. But that was when he surged closer again and kissed her.

__

It was brief. Really just a peck. But god I just... broke. I wasn’t ready to see that.

__

I set down the sunflower onto the bleachers where I’d sat and I left, tears swelling tangibly in my chest. I swallowed them down for as long as I could as I rushed out of sight, not wanting Hyunjin to see me leave. Sobs hit me so hard I nearly doubled over. I’d gotten used to crying about Hyunjin, but it didn’t mean it didn’t make me feel weak and disgustingly vulnerable every single time it happened. Strangers spotted me and shot me looks. God, I didn’t want anyone to see me. I wanted to just disappear. I had to go sit behind the school and just cry for what felt like hours until I got it together enough to call my parents for a ride.

__

When I checked my phone it was flooded with texts and even calls from Hyunjin. She wanted to know where I was, why I’d left, if I was okay. I needed to answer those, didn’t I? But what could I say? “Sorry, I saw you kiss your boyfriend and I had an emotional breakdown?” No, I couldn’t tell her that, so I needed some other excuse. My mind was too blank and empty to come up with one. After I cried like that I felt like an emotionless husk for a good hour or so. Once I called my mom I finally dared to open Hyunjin’s messages and type something back.

__

I told her that my mom came to pick me up before she was supposed to. A very very weak excuse, yeah, but I couldn’t think of anything else that wouldn’t also sound like a total lie. She read it in an instant, and instead of accusing me of lying, she invited me over the next day.

__

I agreed on instinct alone. I’d never really been able to turn down an invite from Hyunjin, even after all this.

__

***

__

Hyunjin’s room was a conflicting place for me. There were so many good memories inside of it, and I’d hoped I could just go in and let myself bask in the nostalgia for a few relieving hours, but apparently that was too much to ask. I was reminded of my situation as soon as I crossed the threshold of the doorway by a photo of she and Hansol on her wall. I shouldn’t have been surprised, she had pictures of her with basically all of our friends there in a little collage she was secretly proud of. This picture was sort of odd, though. Only Hansol was smiling while she was looking at him with a slight sneer. Most people would view that as a cute couple being teasing with one another but... I dunno. I wasn’t sure.

__

Something else new I noticed was the sunflower on her nightstand. It must’ve been the one from me, she’d never had a flower there before. It was in a slim, midnight blue vase, her curtains parted in just a way so that a ray of sunlight framed it perfectly. It looked nice in here. I was glad she’d found it, and I regretted that I hadn’t been there to give it to her.

__

“You know we have a math test tomorrow, right?” Her soft voice snapped me out of the train of thought I’d entered and I looked at her. I was sitting at the foot of her bed while she twirled absentmindedly in her desk chair. We did this a lot, or rather we used to: just spend time together with no real activity planned, content to simply be in the same room and to know the other was there. I missed those days. Although they’d definitely been complicated and conflicting for me, they were simpler than now.

__

“Shockingly, yes I do.” I told her, entranced by the way she was spinning. Every time she faced me she made a different, stupid face. It was making me smile despite how childish it was. “And even _more_ shockingly, I’ve _already studied_ for it.”

__

She stopped dead mid-spin and stared at me with a dropped jaw. “This is truly unheard of. Jeon Heejin, breaking new ground!! I’m proud of you!” That last sentiment was only partially sarcastic, and was followed by a sincere smile.

__

“I mean I don’t know how well I’m gonna do, since I didn’t have the self-proclaimed ‘best study buddy ever’ with me.” I wasn’t sure how she’d respond to that. She could take it seriously, or she could brush it off with banter. It was up to her.

__

She rolled her chair closer to the bed, tilting her head curiously at me. “You didn’t ask me to study with you...” Her voice was distant and tinged with emotion.

__

I blinked twice, not quite having expected this. “I... I guess it slipped my mind.” That wasn’t true. I sort of just stopped asking her to hangout ever since Hansol. It still hurt slightly to be around her.

__

She smiled bitterly, “I slipped your mind?”

__

“No,” I spoke up maybe a bit too frantically, never wanting her to think that for even a second. She _never_ slipped my mind, _ever_ , but I couldn’t tell her that. I wasn’t sure what to tell her, really. “No, you didn’t.”

__

She nodded slowly, not looking at me, and I wondered if she thought I was lying. I wasn’t lying. I would never lie about something like that. She sighed deeply and I scooted closer to her on the bed from how bleak it sounded. She seemed upset. I didn’t want her to be upset, that was the absolute last thing in the world I’d ever want. Was it my fault she was upset?

__

“I missed you at tryouts.” She told me plainly.

__

My heart wrenched. Oh. Were we gonna talk about this...? A looming sense of panic made my chest and throat tighten. I really had no excuse. None besides the shoddy one I’d provided the day before that I was positive she’d seen through. I broke the eye contact we’d had for a fleeting moment, feeling my cheeks starting to warm.

__

“I was there...” I muttered under my breath.

__

“Yeah, but you left. I didn’t get to see you. I was gonna try to hoist you on my shoulders and parade you around...” She sounded so sad. I hated that I was the cause of this. In hindsight I just should’ve stayed, should’ve swallowed down my stupid jealousy and just _been_ there for her because that was what mattered, not my dumb unrequited feelings. _She_ mattered, and her hard work mattered, and I was stupid and I hadn’t prioritized that. She scooted her chair closer, I heard it, but still wouldn’t look up. “I swear, seeing you on the bleachers cheering like that made me feel like I could do anything, and that even if I didn’t make the team it’d be okay because you’d still be there.” God... her tone was so impossibly sincere and sentimental. It almost sounded like her composure was thinning just from talking about it, but that couldn’t be true.

__

I felt myself starting to lose it. I couldn’t help it, hearing her talk like she cared about me so deeply, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She didn’t get sentimental often, and when she did, she was _really_ good at tugging at your heartstrings. She really underestimated the impact she had, and I doubted she’d anticipated that she’d make my eyes start to burn.

__

I didn’t know what to do or say. I couldn’t give her another excuse or even reiterate the old one. I wouldn’t do that, she deserved better. She deserved an apology, plain and simple. “Sorry.” My voice was impossible weak. Nearly inaudible over the faint sound of the windchimes from Hyunjin’s front porch drifting in through the open window.

__

“Heejin...” She scooted closer again.

I took a deep breath to restore just a bit of my composure, “I-I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry.” I was on thin ice. If she saw how upset this was making me, she’d just pry further and want answers even more, _real_ answers which I just couldn’t give her. God why did everything have to be so hard now?

__

“It’s okay... I just missed you, that’s all. Not the end of the world, I miss you all the time.” I don’t think she meant to say that last part, but it caught my attention.

__

I looked at her. She was way closer than before, a faint smile gracing her delicate features. What she said didn’t make sense to me. “What?”

__

She seemed nervous, almost. Why was she nervous? She didn’t get nervous around me. “I mean, I dunno. We just... see each other less now, cuz of Hansol and whatever.” I nearly laughed at the irony of how she referred to their relationship so flippantly. Like it was nothing, when in reality “Hansol and whatever” had made my whole world crumble in on itself and caused my heart to shatter into what felt like irreparable shards. “I miss you.”

__

I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to do in this situation. She was being so sweet, so sincere, more so than I’d ever heard her before. My eyes burned even more, and I smiled bitterly in a failed attempt to stop my lip from quivering. She was close enough to notice, but I wished she didn’t.

__

The uncharacteristic sentimentality and my lack of effectively reciprocating it made her second-guess herself, “Sorry, I guess that’s sappy of me...” She laughed weakly, “Yaknow, you’re the only one who turns me into a big sap like this.”

__

I sniffled and blinked rapidly, meeting her eyes and asking something I’d always wondered and I just _needed_ a solid answer to. “Are you happy?” She raised an eyebrow, not understanding what I was alluding to. “With Hansol. Are you happy?” I thought that once I got a solid answer to this, I’d be able to move on. If she was happy, I just had to let it go. If not, then... I wasn’t really sure.

__

The question caught her off guard. “Huh? Oh, yeah, he’s fine.” That’s not usually how someone would describe their boyfriend, but I wouldn’t let myself hope. “Sometimes it’s weird to think he wrote me those beautiful letters though, since he’s kinda a dolt--”

__

“I wrote them.”

__

The room went dead silent. The air gained a sudden palpable density and weight. My stomach dropped into my shoes. Oh my god. Had I really just said that? It’d blurted straight out of me from all of the pent up frustration and secrecy and lying. I couldn’t take it anymore, deep down. Whether I liked it or not, she knew now. She knew, and everything was different. Neither of us said a word for what must’ve been a solid minute. The only noise was from those same gentle wind chimes outside, and they started to sound eerie instead of melodic.

__

Finally, I heard her chair move again. I didn’t dare look at her. I couldn’t manage it, I was too scared of what her expression would be, of what it would mean for me. “What...?”

__

It was out in the open now. It wasn’t like she’d let me try to back down from it, so I might as well explain myself. “I wrote the letters.” My voice was oddly sort of firm. Even though this was absolutely _terrifying_ , a part of me felt relieved to finally get this off my chest, to tell the truth instead of upholding a lie.

__

She scoffed weakly, “Knock it off, don’t joke.” She thought I was kidding. I couldn’t have been more serious.

__

I forced myself to meet her eyes. Mine were still glossy, and I needed to blink away the tears blurring my vision just so I could see her clearly. “I’m not. I wrote them.” My voice broke, the temporary firmness it had fading the more I had to repeat myself.

__

She saw my composure thinning and she scooted her chair close again, almost at the foot of her bed by that point. “Why’re you...? Are you for real?” She was still in disbelief, but now it was mixed with concern at my visible distress.

__

“Yeah.” I told her simply in a trembling whisper.

She blinked at me, absolutely stunned. I think part of her wanted to believe me, but another part was hesitant to because of the implications it’d have on her current relationship: that it was built upon lies, that Hansol wasn’t some romantic poet, but more akin to a thief. “But...? He said...?”

__

I sneered at the thought of him, of that day that he’d “revealed his identity” to us in the cafeteria. It still made me sick to my stomach that he really had it in him to tell such a bold faced lie to Hyunjin. Didn’t that sort of make him feel at least a little bad? “He lied. He didn’t write any of it.”

__

She could tell how serious I was. But she was conflicted. I understood why, this had serious implications for her. It would change her relationship, and our friendship totally, and I don’t think she was ready for either of those things. I didn’t think anyone really would be. This was probably overwhelming her. “Prove it.” She sounded uncertain of that demand. Maybe she assumed I wouldn’t be able to remember what I’d written, considering that it had been a near month before. She was wrong about that.

__

I took a deep, shaky breath, knowing I had to brace myself for what I was about to recite word for word. I was confessing things I’d told myself I never would. This was unexpected for me too, but something inside just snapped and I couldn’t take this anymore. She needed to know. Whatever the consequences were, I’d deal with them. I forced myself to meet her eyes as I spoke haltingly, wanting her to just _believe_ that it was me and not Hansol. At the very least I wanted her to at least take that away from this.

__

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. And it’s not just outer beauty, but inner beauty that radiates off you in tangible waves whenever you smile, push your hair out of your face, or check your makeup in the mirror. Your eyes sparkle with fiery passion when you speak. They’re more beautiful than any star I’ve ever seen, and I’d be more than content to stare into them forever if you’d let me...” I trailed off. I could’ve said more, I could’ve done the whole thing really, but my voice was crumbling down into nothing as tears streamed down my red cheeks.

__

Her jaw was dropped and her eyes were wide. Apparently she was speechless, because a solid few seconds passed without a single word leaving her. Every moment she stayed silent was like a knife to my chest. I’d lost her. Scared her off. Whatever we used to be, it was gone now. It was a risk that I’d willingly taken, so it was my fault, yet again. But at least she knew now.

__

I sniffled, getting unsteadily to my feet and heading straight for the door. “I’m sorry, I-I’ll just go, we can forget this--”

__

She grabbed me. She was standing in an instant, and her hand clasped mine. I shook her off, a small sob hitting me from that damned _contact_ , but her response was to pull me into her arms and hold me so tight I couldn’t squirm away. Part of me didn’t want this, but another part of me wanted nothing more than this, than her comfort, than her affection and her attention and just _her_. I balled up fistfulls of her sweater and hid my face away, blushing madly and struggling to even catch my breath between the sobs that kept slamming into me like freight trains.

__

She brushed her hand gently through my hair. Why was she being so nice...? Why wasn’t she kicking me out, disgusted, telling me that our friendship was over? She squeezed me firmly, tilting her head to mutter something gently into my ear, “You should’ve told me.”

__

I wasn’t sure what to say, how to explain myself. I wasn’t sure if I should describe my deepest most paranoid fears that’d plagued me for months on end, prevented me from confessing sooner, and made me suffer in silence from the intensity of my unrequited feelings. Instead I gave her the simplest, most condensed form of my reasoning I could, “I... you seemed happy...”

__

Her response was immediate as she shook her head over and over, “No. Heejin, no. God, I would’ve _killed_ for you to have written those but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

__

What...?

__

I... what? Was she serious? Had I misheard that? Or misunderstood it? My tears stopped from my absolute shock. “Hopes...? What hopes?”

__

My question had barely left me before her previously iron grip released and she pulled away. I was confused, staring at her with my red-rimmed eyes for the quick, fleeting moment before she closed the space again. Her lips found mine and I felt every single individual nerve in my body start to tingle with a fuzziness and contentment I’d never felt in my life. My eyes widened, so surprised I didn’t even know what to think. I wondered if this was even real. If I’d gotten lost in a daydream somehow. But it felt real. Her soft lips felt real, her hands cupping my jawline felt real, the feeling of her heart beating hard in her chest where my hand still rested felt real.

__

She pulled back and I was breathless, staring at her in absolute awe. She just smiled at me, that cocky, smug Hyunjin smile I’d fallen head over heels for, and spoke to me softly, “These hopes.”

  
I surged forward and I kissed her again, I kissed her with all of my buried, deepest emotions that had been dormant for months and months and _months_. She wrapped her arms around my waist, one of her hands pressing against the small of my back, and I grabbed onto her shirt again. She was smiling still. She was _so_ happy, but I couldn’t be quite yet.

__

I broke the kiss, resting my forehead against hers and whispering something out tearfully, “Please don’t be kidding.”

__

She chuckled warmly and I felt the way her chest vibrated from it, “No, dummy. I’m not kidding. Why would I joke about this?”

__

I stared into her eyes for what must’ve been a solid thirty seconds, trying to analyze them for any trace of dishonesty, but there was nothing there. Just... this warmth and fondness that made me feel like I was floating. This was real. This was actually happening, and when I realized that? It was like my world had color again. Like I could feel things I’d never felt, be happier than I’d ever been. A weight on my shoulders and a tightness in my chest alleviated, making me feel light and airy and just... _good_. “I...” A cautious laugh left me and it made her chuckle too, her face still plastered with one of her stunning smiles. It hadn’t faded in even the slightest bit. “I-I’m sorry, I’m gonna start crying again.” I apologized just as it was starting to happen, a few stray tears rolling down my cheeks.

__

She brushed them away with her thumbs, a gesture so impossibly intimate it just made me want to cry even more, “What? Don’t, Heekkie, it’s okay! Everything’s okay now!”

__

She was right. Everything _was_ okay, it was more than okay, it was bright and new and exciting. “I know, that’s why I’m crying. I’m _happy_. God, Hyunjin, I haven’t been happy in _so_ long.”

__

Her face fell slightly at that, “Because of this?” All I could do was nod. She frowned bitterly at the confirmation and moved up to place a lingering kiss on my forehead. My heart was going to explode, I swear. “You should’ve _told_ me.” She repeated the same sentiment from earlier.

__

But all it did was make me wonder something. “Why didn’t you tell me? If you felt it too?”

__

She scoffed weaky, “I was scared. Duh.” A blush was rising to her cheeks from the small confession.

__

I raised an eyebrow at her, “ _You_ were scared?”

__

She playfully tickled my side and I squirmed, but she thankfully stopped after the initial attack. “Yeah. I’m not brave all the time, yaknow.” I nodded, content to wrap my arms around her neck and just listen to her. She stared at my eyes in a sort of familiar way - the same way she had back in the cafeteria when she’d gotten unexpectedly close. She must’ve felt it back then, too. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

__

I couldn’t believe that she really had felt the same way, that she really had been dealing with the same uncertainties and worries that prevented her from being honest. It was sort of heartwarming, and it made me feel impossibly closer to her, but it was also sad that we’d wasted so much time. I just held her close to me. At least we had each other now. “You wouldn’t have lost me. You’ll never ever lose me.”

__

***

__

I headed to my locker a few weeks later, a skip in my step and a small smile on my face. Hyunjin was taking me to an amusement park that day, on what was our sixth “official” date, as she called them. She always got so excited, but also sort of nervous, even now. It was so impossibly endearing that after all this time, I still made her nervous. I mean, the sentiment was sort of mutual. What could I say, she always gave me those butterflies.

__

Surprisingly, when I rounded the corner a certain someone was already standing right next to my locker, bouncing on the heels of her feet adorably and fiddling with her backpack straps. When she spotted me she gave me an awkward half-wave and one of her broad, canine-revealing smiles.

__

“What’re you doing here? Your class is on the other side of the building, did you forget?” I asked her, reaching to enter the combination on my locker. She shrugged, not answering my question and eying my movements strangely. Her nervous energy was tangible in the air. “Still nervous huh?”

__

“What? No!” That was incredibly unconvincing, but I let it be. “I just had coffee that’s all. I’ve got the jitters.”

__

I looked at her with narrowed eyes. “Coffee doesn’t give you the jitters. Nice excuse though.” Her lips parted to defend herself further, but she seemed to decide against it once I actually pulled my locker door open. I understood why she got so quiet once I actually looked inside.

__

There was a letter. Coated in yellow stickers of hearts and cats. Oh? I glanced at her knowingly. She was beet red, trying and failing to play it cool. I reached inside and pulled the piece of carefully folded stationary out, “Wow, I wonder who could’ve possibly written this.” I told her sarcastically as I started to open it.

__

She stepped closer suddenly and I stopped mid-motion. “Um, maybe do it after class.”

__

Huh? She was being so weird. It made me hesitate, sure, but it also made me infinitely more curious about whatever this letter said. “Why?”

__

“I-I dunno.” She actually stammered. Wow. She wouldn’t match my eyes anymore, but she didn’t stop me when my fingers slipped between the edges of the paper and slowly unfolded it.

__

I’d expected a letter like I’d written. A long, wordy, lengthy entailment of her deepest feelings put to words. But that wasn’t it. No, instead it was a simple, three word statement written beautifully in red pen.

__

My reaction was immediate. I reached to Hyunjin’s school tie and pulled her closer to me, closing the space between us and planting a firm kiss on her lips. She returned it with a slight semblance of a smile, but I could feel how warm her cheeks were. Probably because we were in the middle of a rather populated hallway. It didn’t matter, the people I cared about knew about us, so it wasn’t like we were gonna get exposed.

__

A passing teacher spotted us and called out authoritatively, “No public displays of affection in the halls! Kim, Jeon, stop that!”

__

I pulled away first and took a notable step back, leaving an adorably dazed Hyunjin to blink wordlessly at me. I tightly intertwined our fingers together, making sure that she knew one last thing before I walked her to her next class.

__

“I love you too.”


End file.
